I seem to have lost my compassion these last few occasions at work. I normally enjoy the interaction with the patients and helping them…but now…I simply get irritated.
I have to pull myself in, which is very unusual for me…as it has never been a problem…even with the difficult ones.
So I asked last night why I was feeling this odd malaise…and I had a dream.
I was with a whole lot of girlfriends and we were out having fun. Somewhere along the line we decided to go back to someone’s flat which was in a high rise building that had thousands of floors. In the flat/apartment I became aware that something strange was happening to me. One of the women mentioned that it was time for me. I felt a bit confused about that and looked down…and this is when I realised I was pregnant (again!).
They said I gotta go up to another woman on the 200th floor, but every time we pressed the lift button (which was digital) it came up with 238th - very specific. We asked the concierge (dunno where he came from) and he said that it was correct…so up I went…and on the way to her apartment had to go to the toilet.
But sorta got stuck there because I needed to make a pooh and every time I thought nothing was happening and I should leave, I’d get the strange feeling that I needed to sit on the loo again. It slowly seeped into my brain that I was actually in labour without any pain and the sensation I was feeling was similar to that when the baby has crowned and about to move down the birth canal.
I recognised this from when I gave birth to our son (and our daughter, but hers was not quite so dramatic). The two midwives said I had to wait for the obstetrician and so we waited. That was a lesson in self control, I tellya…trying to stop my body from doing something so natural as giving birth when it really wanted to. After 20 minutes of self control I said no more and they agreed as long as I was happy for them to deliver the baby instead of him. Well I ask you, who would you rather have – stupid question…
So here I was in my dream, stuck in the toilet with no way of contacting anyone and about to give painless birth. It made me smile despite my worry. Here is the future of giving birth…well not in a toilet mind you…but without any pain…and feeling so incredibly happy about it.
When I woke this morning I had the word ‘de-sensitized’ running around in my brain. Thinking about my dream I came to conclusion that we humans are de-sensitized to love and all the wonderful feelings and experiences it brings. We have felt smidgens of these lovely feelings but are unable to sustain this and find ourselves dumped back into the de-sensitized zone.
Our sensitiveness to pain and suffering is pre-dominant.
My dream showed me this waivering between the two conditions.
Which now brings me back to my irritation at work…I have merely been highlighting to myself this state that we all live in and yet I was not getting it at all…and so had to ask for help.
We are bombarded daily with so much that is negative that is seems normal to us. We have created this with our mass consciousness.
I left law which had totally sensitized me to the negatives in the world and moved into a world of compassion in the medical field. So me helping de-sensitized patients has helped me with this compassion and changed me from a cold hard woman to a compassionate caring one…but I am now once again moving on into something new…and I no longer resonate with where I am.
It doesn’t have to be difficult to make the change…I am bridging that change now
I get it…I get it…