Lately I have been in a very strange place. Somewhere where I am so excited I cannot contain myself and yet at the same time my stomach is churning with…
Hmm…that was a five minute break of trying to figure out what I am actually feeling. I think the best way to describe the stomach churning is similar to the anticipation of something that you have been looking forward to for so long that you feel sick.
Everything seems so familiar and yet it isn’t. I have so much to say and yet when I sit down to type…there is nothing to say. How do you take ‘everything’ and condense it into a blog? How do you convey in a few words, exactly what it is you are experiencing?
Heck I don’t know…
I think about writing, get excited and sit down to type and then feel overwhelmed by what I want to say and land up saying nothing.
Aha…you know what it reminds me of…
Feeding koi in a fish pond. There are hundreds of them vying with each other to be fed, the water boiling with them as they move constantly so you never know who’s been fed and who hasn’t, each one shouting ‘what about me’. Which one is which? Haven’t a clue. They pop to the surface and then disappear under the deluge of other fish bodies all trying to get the same piece of food – your attention.
Okay so you see what I mean…I have typed half a page and said absolutely blimmin’ nothing :-)
So you can understand why I have not written much personal stuff lately.
I was feeling so overwhelmed on Monday night by everything that I am suddenly feeling the urge to do. I had so many questions…and no answers arriving. Kinda like asking the question, recognising the answer, reaching out to grab it and it disappears…so I am left with a fleeting impression that I cannot articulate because they move so fast my brain and eyes cannot compute.
So yeah…I’m a little stressed.
Hubby suggested that I take time out. Stop everything I am doing and take a chill pill of time out. He tells me he has every faith that I will get where I need to be and know what I need to know. Wish I had the same faith, cos I ain't feeling it. So I took a chill pill (figuratively speaking) and got some answers but I'm a hamster on a wheel...a little stressed…and that deep pulse to deliver is still there…but I have no idea what I am supposed to deliver.
My wonderful space deep within me of peace has all but disappeared. I kinda feel like a tree that was happily growing in the nourishing soil and sunlight, when a freight train moving at the speed of light reached out, lassoed me and yanked me…roots n all (for the seven hundredth time this year)…out the ground and now I am flying through the air…going where? And…I’m not wearing a helmet…hehe. Can you hear the stress in that chuckle?