Who am I to know better?

After reading Inelia’s blog this morning, I had a lightbulb moment.

I am fearful that I could never step into Athena’s shoes. It woulda been better if I’d never known who my Higher Self was, cause I would have bumbled along happily in total ignorance, as I had been up until then.

I figure there is a reason I had to know…but at this stage have no idea what it is.

How can I live up to the energy that is Athena? For goodness sakes’, she is a major Goddess and held in high esteem by many, including me. This is possibly why she has been very quiet lately. But every so often when I waiver completely, a sign is sent to me that sends the doubts flying and strengthens my belief.

So I have been holding myself back, using the excuse that I was worried about hubby keeping up.

Maybe this is what the waivering between two potentials is all about – this deeper underlying fear. Either way I would be stepping fully into my goddesshood and it freaks me out completely. I’ve simply been playing at it, rather than taking it seriously.

This year has been a particularly challenging one with regard to my power. Every so often I’d enter a state for a split second and expect something to happen and it did – instantly. This made me all the more aware of the power I would yield if I stepped fully into who I am.

What has been popping up into my mind is the occasions when I have displayed displeasure at what someone has done. The full force of that displeasure has impacted so badly on them that I could literally see them shrinking in submission. They’d then be so unhappy they’d cling to me and follow me around in the hope that I’d forgive them.

These brief sparks of what I could do, have happened throughout my life, which is why I have consistently learnt to channel my anger in a far better and more constructive way. I’m normally a very calm and collected, quiet person, so when I do get angry it is very unusual. My kids have often told me that I am really scary when angry. All I had to do was start counting and they’d do exactly what I wanted. When I want things done, I expect them done and they get done – well, mostly they do J.

It happened again the other day, without me thinking things through like I normally do. I instantly lashed out by simply saying, ‘For goodness sakes stop with the pessimism’, and the poor woman on the receiving end of my disapproval shrivelled. It makes me so fearful of this power.

Does this make me a really forceful domineering person? I like to think I’ve tempered it with compassion, but also makes me wonder how much I force my thinking on others when I don’t approve of what they’ve done. I usually can see it from their side and so it is not always a problem, but every so often this wrathful aspect of me pops up to make itself known.

Maybe this is why I seem to be surrounded by forceful domineering women who are loud. Seemingly the total opposite of me…but there are aspects of these women in me, otherwise they wouldn’t be part of my life, would they?

And so I am cautious with everything I do. Wielding this powerful energy is one I view as being difficult and yet I know it shouldn’t be. If I surrender completely and allow her to step in 100% it will be okay. Once again it is this doubt factor which has followed me all my life.

Who am I to know better than anyone else or be more than anyone else?

So in my determination not to be fully who I am, I am having trouble wielding what makes itself known when I am not concentrating on keeping myself tightly wrapped up.

Silly, isn’t it?