Scepticism

Today I had an overwhelming urge to tone. I used to do this with regularity when in South Africa and then the need simply fell away.

I used to stand in the shower and sing a note in whatever octave I felt was necessary. Together with the water it used to soothe away any stress I’d feel. I figure it was a form of emotional release for me. Cape Town’s water in those days was very pure and soft – there was no recycling – and as a result my skin would feel fabulous.

Until I landed here in the UK, where the water is recycled and very hard. Since then my skin has been dry – no matter what. Sadly Cape Town’s water is no longer the crystal clear water it used to be.

Anyways, at first my throat refused to open and it simply came out as a long sigh. Slowly my vocal cords and throat relaxed and through the toning I entered a very blissful and centred state. It reminded me of the days when I did scale practice. This was one of the stages when I decided I wanted to learn to sing opera – don’t ask me why – one of those unknown mysteries.

Singing puts me in a really good place and my body loves it.

Whilst in this state with the release from my throat I had an overwhelming sense of relief and happiness. A woman appeared before me. I couldn’t quite place her. She encouraged me to tone different notes in different octaves and as she did so I could feel my body tingle, each note creating a corresponding vibration within me.

When I’d finished she placed something on my forehead and it was then that I realised she had more than two arms. She took my face in her hands and kissed my forehead before standing back and telling me that I was the creative force as well as the destructive force.

As we move forward each one of us within have a male and female aspect, each one playing a part in balancing of us. The feminine aspect is now creating change and with change comes destruction of the old. The same as the seasons create death and out of that arises the new. She spoke for a while but I cannot quite remember all of it. I remember thinking that I should be writing this down but didn’t want to spoil the space we were in.

Out of the blue while she was talking, the name Lakshmi and then Shakti came to me. I’ve never met either before and don’t know much about them. She obviously saw when the penny had dropped because she knelt before me and holding my hands said something along the lines of, ‘Athena, you chose to walk this path on this Earth. We honour you for this decision. The time has come for you to step into your role and I am here to bless you with strength, courage, and love, for it will be a time of destruction and creativity.’

I cannot remember anything else with great detail – it is all rather hazy and vague after that.

When I came back to myself I realised that I’d received an answer to a question. I’d again lately being questioning the fact that Athena is my HS. I haven’t fully taken it on board and still treat her as a mentor or a guide rather than as me. Here was my answer and I cannot dispute that it was me she was talking to. The me that is me but is also Athena. We are one, although at times I’m not sure about it.

I’m probably not explaining myself very well. It’s kinda like being an ordinary citizen and then waking one morning to trumpets blowing and an entourage standing in your garden hailing you as the long lost princess. They take you back to the castle and everyone is very excited that you’ve been found and you keep wondering when someone will pop out to say ‘just kidding’ or ‘you’re on candid camera’ hahaha.

Am I still sceptical – sure I am.

Oh okay, now I remember some of it. It was some kind of ceremony or ritual in which my mind, body, emotions, soul, spirit, my two aspects (male and female) and Athena became one united entity. Yeah…it seemed to be quite a few disconnected bits of me pulled together into one consciousness. I thought I’d done that but I know…I’m resisting it.

 In order for me to move forward and do what I have to do – I’ve gotta fully accept who I am.

I did ask if I needed to change my name…again…but the answer was that I would not be known as Athena for a while yet and that Karen-Pallas is fine for the time being. It seems presumptuous and silly to change my name to something that I don’t feel I am. I know people do it all the time and it is not necessarily by deed poll – they simply become known by another name.

*sigh* it just seems a tad odd to me and at one stage I was thinking about bowing out and pretending I don’t know anything about this. Do I want this? On the one hand – I do. But on the other – I don’t. I’m not a lime light seeker and am content to be in my own world.

So how come someone who is not cut out to be Athena gets the job? Have I gone wrong somewhere? Them up there don’t seem to think so but I dunno…I’m kinda not so sure. I appreciate their patience…maybe I gotta grow a bit of a backbone, suck it in and dive in at the deep end. I suppose I should extend myself the same patience that they do.

Hmm…a major goddess…why is it not someone a little more insignificant?

I can hear them laughing…it’s not a laughing matter to me.

And how come…after all that I don’t feel any different. Wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of lightning bolt, a declaration from high up in a deep booming voice, or me growing into a 12 foot Amazon or something mind-blowingly pretentious…

Yaaarrrggghhh…

I feel like hiding in my wardrobe in the hope they won’t find me. But that’s not gonna work though, is it?

Deep breath in and let it out slowly – I am that I am – I’m Pallas Athena.