Jeez man

Jeez man...I lost it this morning…I lost my temper…big time…so big I shouted and threw a glass of water at hubby.

He stood there shocked, then swore at me before stalking off to the bathroom to wipe himself down.

Do I have any idea why I flipped from being the calm one to the screaming banshee in a split second?

Yeah…I know…and it has been building for the last year.

Hubby and our son are constantly at loggerheads. Two similar stubborn personalities always sniping at each other and I get myself involved and stuck in the middle as a mediator.

I’ve been wondering when I will step out of this role.

This morning I woke to find my feet feeling rather strange. I imagine it would be the same feeling someone who is bedridden would have…a feeling of lying on the same spot forever and the skin starts feeling like it would break out into bedsores…dunno…but that is what I imagine it would feel like.

I’ve noticed this sensation in my feet building over the last three months and couldn’t quite figure out what was causing this feeling that I was stagnating in one position. I thought it might have to do with me not being willing to step into my new role…even though everything has swung into action…and I am kinda being swept along in the flow.

I am happy to go with the flow but underneath I’ve still got my head buried in the sand…refusing to actually dive in and totally fully and consciously be a part of it.

All the excuses I could think of have been flashing through my mind lately, maybe to half-heartedly put the brakes on or something or maybe I was hoping that I’d wake up one morning and be there without any conscious decision on my part.

Erm…it seems not…hubby’s constant pessimism and incessant nagging at our son and our son’s constant retaliation…aaarrrggghh…my patience was stripped away and in its place stood the warrior goddess in full battle regalia.

I tore a strip off our son too, so don’t think it was only hubby on the receiving end. But I feel like I've torn a strip off myself too.

On the one hand I am at peace with what I have done but on the other hand slightly appalled that this anger is there.

They need to bloody well try to get on with each other. I have the world and its dog in my house, always fighting to get the upper hand. Testosterone…

They are both very shocked. I could see their energies implode and then explode with the shock and surprise.

Sometimes a catalyst of this proportion is needed to get someone out of their deeply entrenched stance and moving.

Will things be subdued today…and maybe tomorrow? Yeah, big time.

I will stalk around here and quell both with a glance…I’ve had enough…time for the masculine energy to fully accept its divinity…and step up to be in balance with the feminine...both with-in me and with-out.

I suspect hubby is feeling the same effects that I am…an inability to step into his role. I think this explosion will get both of us moving to where we need to be.

I do believe that this pessimism and constant nagging is an issue of mine that is so deep-seated I never knew it was there, otherwise it wouldn’t be in my face all the time. I suppose I’ve been ignoring it in the hope that it would go away.

What am I pessimistic about? I think it might be about myself…can I do what needs doing? I thought it might be the despair that the world is feeling…but I think hubby and our son are picking up on that…they don’t know how to protect themselves…or rather they do…but they ignore me and my advice. I stopped putting protection around them mid-year last year because I feel they are far along enough to do it themselves.

Anyways hubby is off to Finland on Thursday for five days…and we’ll have some time alone to think things through. It couldn’t have come at a better time.

I think I might have resigned my post as 'Mrs Nice Guy' :-)