Balancing act

Yesterday as I was walking down to the High Street I felt open and vulnerable from the hips down…almost as though I was naked. It was so strong that I kept looking down to confirm visually I was really wearing jeans. 

It was the most bizarre feeling. It was kinda like one of those dreams you have where you discover you’ve gone to work with no clothes on.

I tuned in to find out what was going on and discovered that I had a skirt of energy, almost like a Hawaiian grass skirt, each strand a ray of light. It did feel very odd but somehow extremely comforting as though I was so well grounded and protected.

But of course with each dramatic change of frequency that I experience…there is a dramatic reaction from hubby. These changes create change within him and he isn’t always ‘open’ to it…though his HS and soul have determined that they are now in the driving seat and he has no choice…so he is being dragged into changes kicking and screaming at times.

It’s not like the ‘old days’ when it took ages and we had a chance for a few weeks/months to rest…and being someone who does not like change too much, it is quite hard for him.

He tends to react and then think about it, finally coming to grips with it and feeling guilty over his reactions…whereas I think and then react.

But today I didn’t…I merely reacted and now we have retreated to our respective caves to lick our wounds. I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did, if it wasn’t some kinda energy within me that was lurking around and we both reacted to each other…blowing up a simple thing into some great big explosion.

He is always such a fabulous mirror for me and if I’m honest, brutally honest with myself, I can find the negative emotion within. I do find these days that bringing myself back into balance is quick and not the long drawn out affair that it used to be.

I suppose the difference these days is that I have accepted he is my mirror and in the acceptance I am no longer fighting but going with the flow and therefore even though it causes a reaction, it flows on through. What we resist persists and as I am no longer resisting...you get the picture.

If I didn’t have that negative emotion lurking I wouldn’t react, would I?

I’m sure learning how to manage my energy properly…I wouldn’t be able to do so without some experience, so I am very grateful to hubby for his teaching, even though he doesn’t know it.

It makes me think of my children. As they were growing up, they were great mirrors for me. I came to realise that quite a bit of what they reacted to or displayed were my own issues. Yes of course, they have their own stuff to deal with, but our kids are such sponges that they can but only reflect our negative emotions back at us.

The healthier and happier I became within myself, the healthier and happier my children became.

I didn’t get it perfect, but I did my best…and that is all that is asked of us…is to try our best.

I always believed that my children were special…what parent doesn’t? For years I used to sing and read stories with my kids at night time and then when they settled down for a sleep, I’d take them on a meditation or a ‘sleeping story’ as they liked to call it.

As they grew older it was no longer something they wanted and I had to respect that as they have their own paths to walk. My daughter tried very hard to ‘see’ things like I did, but couldn’t. I really wanted my children to be Indigos and fall within the box that makes an Indigo child.

I took them to a screening of the movie (I think it was called Indigo Children or something…it’s so long ago I’ve forgotten). I was there with other parents and we were all excitedly talking about these children…little noticing the effect it had on our own children.

After the screening both my kids were quiet as we drove home and eventually one of them blurted, ‘Mom, what if we can’t do any of those things those children can do? What does that make us?’

OMG my heart stopped…that was when I realised that in my zealousness to make my children one of the ‘special children’, I’d forgotten about them and how they felt. It was that day that I decided to stop putting my children into boxes and to allow them to be who they are, without restricting them and getting them to fit into a mould of my and others making. I was living through them in the hope that they would have a better start at this whole lightworker thing than I did. Kinda like a parent who wants their child to fulfil the ambition they themselves couldn’t.

It is a decision I haven’t regretted and even though my children haven’t ‘followed in my footsteps’ and pretty much don’t always understand what I’m talking about, we honour each other where we are, each of us within the family unit having their own path to walk.

I don’t like boxing people at all. Even though I call myself a Lightworker, I don’t really consider myself one because it’s too restricting. I am far more than a Lightworker – I am everything not merely light and I’m not an angel or any other word or box you’d like me to fit into. 

I am bringing everything I’ve ever been back into balance. I’m light and dark, negative and positive, male and female, etc.