Chapter 7 - Creative energy

Creative energy…what is it and where does it come from?

Over the years I’ve learnt that the ‘sexual’ energy that we all talk about is the creative energy of the sacral chakra.

Everyone uses this energy differently…we all go through phases where we’ve experimented (probably as teenagers and early twenties) with different ways of sexually expressing ourselves. If we never had this opportunity, we might experiment in our latter years. 

Getting married, this energy changes…only because we make the unconscious decision to use our energy to creating a home that will make us happy and investing our energy in a job to bring in the money that will bring in abundance that will help us create that happy home.

When we have children, once again the energy changes to that of the nurturing mother/father. This is when it really hits home that we are now ‘responsible’ for another being.

I recall it hitting hubby very hard. I remember the exact night and where we were. 

Our daughter was approximately 8 weeks old and we were struggling financially. I’d gone back to work when our daughter was 6 weeks old and was working really long hours five days per week. My mother was looking after our daughter, so I was secure in the knowledge that she was okay during the day.

I’d be so tired when I got home…she was still waking for one/two feeds at night. I’d spend as much time with her as possible before she went to sleep for the night at 7.30…it didn’t leave me much time with her at all. Hubby and I would take turns to cook while the other spent time with her. But…I’d be the one in charge of cleaning the bottles and so each night at 9pm I’d stand, dead tired on my feet, before the sink cleaning all her bottles and then sterilising, before boiling the water for her bottles the following day.

I’d tried expressing milk but I was too exhausted to deal with it and my milk started drying up.

It was hard…but all part of the lessons and understanding in this lifetime.

It was a Saturday night and hubby was sitting holding our daughter while she slept. He regularly used to hold her at night on his chest until she fell asleep…or in the middle of the night to comfort her.

We were due to visit our neighbours who also had a daughter 3 months older than ours. We were going to have a BBQ. I was getting everything ready to go, when I suddenly felt the energy change. Now remember…in those days I didn’t know anything about energy or spirituality…and yet I know exactly when the energy within hubby changed.

I picked up the bag and said, ‘Let’s go.’

He didn’t budge, simply sat there staring at the TV.

Again I said, ‘I’m ready, let’s go.’

He merely shook his head and said, ‘I’m not going.’

I stared at him in disbelief, slight confused by this about-face. We’d both been looking forward to seeing them (they both worked long hours like we did and their mother looked after the baby). It would be great to catch up and spend some time socialising.

No matter how much cajoling I tried, hubby refused to budge. Eventually I made the decision to go next door to tell them we were not able to go as hubby was ill. What else could I do? I wasn’t sure how to handle this ‘new’ side to hubby.

It has been a long hard road to healing for him. The responsibility of raising two human beings has weighed heavily on him and still today he worries about them.

We often wonder why people react in what we’d consider strange ways to certain things. I know that for hubby he didn’t know any other way to respond to his sudden insight that life was no longer a laugh a day. He went from being a party animal and comedian always at the heart of the party to a silent frowning person who never wanted to go out. He shut down his creative outgoing centre to concentrate all this energy on being a responsible solemn father.

This of course made me feel guilty. I’d been the one who wanted children…he could quite happily have carried on being a couple without children. I’d changed the man I’d married into something so totally different. I didn’t understand energy work or how we’d landed up there.

The harder he became the softer I became, always trying to counter act or balance out the energy in some way.

You must bear in mind that past lives had an influence, which at the time I didn't know about.

I realised last night in an epiphany that it all changed when we arrived in the UK.

‘A change is as good as a holiday’ certainly made the difference to us.

The move seemed to breathe a different energy into us and this is when we decided to try tantra. Nothing too deep…that was a ‘no-no’ for hubby…anything oobly doobly he’d turn away. But because sex was involved he agreed to it…and I do believe because he loves me and was willing to try anything to save our marriage…as long as there was no counselling involved. Hehe…man has an aversion to talking…

Erm…yes well, that is when I realised how strong sexual energy is and if we don’t know how to control or use it the consequences can be disastrous. Strange things would happen…like the light bulbs blowing, the TV switching on and off in the middle of the night, or the en-suite shower turning itself on. I could have believed that we had a poltergeist haunting us…but I knew it was our energy out of kilter.

It was so strong that it frightened me and I shut that part of me down. Once we stopped the tantra and the energy within us calmed down, all of that stopped.

So I channelled that energy into creating a new life for us and along the way I really focused on my own healing and through this focus  managed to heal quite a bit that the family unit carried.

It wasn’t easy, clearing all the deep seated issues that I never even knew existed. One of the biggies for me was anger…I’ve always been a calm person, so for me to discover this huge well of anger hidden away was quite a thing. It rocked the foundations of our marriage very strongly.

It’s been a long slow build to creating what we wanted…but all along the way I held this vision of us living in peaceful harmony with love and laughter filling our lives…and we are finally seeing the fruits of our labours. I’d like to say I did all the work, and on the surface, yes I did, but I know that deep down hubby unconsciously knew what was going on and he was helping in his own way.

His HS/soul knows what is going on and in his resistance, I do believe he helped me to reach the heights that I’ve reached.

I held the vision through thick and thin. All the tantra work we did - I held the vision of the work coming to fruition. When he had the first orgasm without ejaculation…he was mightily surprised and puzzled. It filled me with such happiness so know that despite his resistance I’d achieved what I’d set out to achieve.

Who says you cannot create your own reality? I’m living proof that it is possible.

Now that I no longer have to channel all my energy into being a mum, I can take most of it and direct it at my own growth.

This is what Athena is talking about in Chapter 6…using that creative energy to further and grow my new path.

I’d get frustrated in the early days with my slow growth and inability to find my passion. A wise woman once said to me that until my children were grown and independent, I’d always been channelling my energy into them.

She was right…nowadays I can concentrate on me and in my growth, I will grow my passion.

Do I resent hubby’s resistance? Yes, I did in the old days…these days…no, I don’t. I can see what it was/is all about and most of it was building my confidence in myself. I always used to whinge about the fact that if I cannot convince hubby…how can I convince the world?

But I don’t need to convince him or the world…I need to convince myself and start to believe in myself and everything else falls into place.

This is Athena’s basic message to me…believe in yourself and your abilities. My creative/sexual energy is mine now to do with as I please…and it pleases me to be the best I can.