Chapter 9 - Baby me

Tuesday 21.02.2012

Oh gawd…am I feeling sick? Very yuck…stomach churning nausea…and not a little tearful.

I am letting go…letting go everything I believed I was and would always be.

My future self has joined me today. I can see the beauty of who she is and the joy with which she lives. I cannot be there until I release that which I think defines me.

It breaks my heart, but I cannot remain where I am.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve stood at these cross-roads and turned away from moving on. But after my conversation with Athena today…it is time to step up and be counted. That’s why I am here…or of course, I could step back and wait. But the words ‘the time is now’ have resonated deep within me. And yes the time is now…not next month or next year. NOW.

Does this seem to take away my free will to choose? I don’t believe so. I can choose…but because I am not sure what I am choosing, because it’s not been created…I’m not sure how to do this.

I have no idea what it means to be ME…the authentic me that is hidden amongst all my beliefs and concepts.

I decided to meditate. I found myself looking in a pram at a baby. It was one of those old fashioned prams with the big wheels. I couldn’t see the baby because of the frills on the bonnet and layers of blankets. As I opened the layers and pushed away the frills from its face…I saw me.

This made my eyes well up with tears. This is the ‘baby’ me who is making tentative steps into this new life of creation. She smiled at me…a toothless gummy smile. It made my heart swell with love.

What would a baby do? Accept that it was loved and would receive the nurturing that it needed when it was needed. Trust. All babies trust their carers no matter who it is.

It is time for me to trust that I will be looked after. The doubts and insecurities that I have are nothing more than projections of my own beliefs held in place by the emotions. I realise that it’s not them up there that will look after me…but ME...the authentic me that is waiting patiently to step into her rightful place.

I looked up to see Aeolus standing to one side. As soon as I made eye contact, I knew why he was here. Aeolus, Athena’s twin-flame is the Cosmic Holy Spirit…he who breathes life into the newborn and takes the last breath of those transitioning over.

This shook me more than I could ever have imagined. The old me was dying and the new me being reborn. I don’t know how many times I’ve been through this…but this is the first time I’ve actually seen Aeolus before it happens.

He asked me, ‘Are you ready?’

I felt really sad and overwhelmed. ‘No, I’m not. Can we do this in a while…maybe tomorrow?’

He disappeared, I came out of my meditation went about my day.

Today 22.02.2012

I woke this morning crying…deep sobbing gulps of grief. I’d finally let go. In my dreamtime I dreamt that I was saying over and over again, ‘I’m letting go’. If Aeolus was there, I wasn’t aware of it. Maybe it’s best that I don’t know.

I was crying for the end of that part of me that has been a friend and companion all these years.

I’d requested another visit during the night from my future self. She was happy and peaceful and so exactly where I want to be. I asked her what I’d chosen for her to be where she is. She said she cannot tell me that…the choice is mine and not hers to influence. I must follow my gut instinct.

After spending some lovely time with her she faded away, leaving me determined that this time at the crossroads I was ready.

But in being ready, does it mean that all I know will change?

Athena: It is merely the illusion that is breaking down. It might seem that all around you is chaos. In the past you were comfortable with the idea of having your mate with you, sharing the journey. The journey now is about you and your relationship with you. The sacred union within is what you are working toward.

Outwardly you are having rumbles with your husband and son as they represent the masculine within you, who is confused and unsure. This masculine side of you has always protected you, been forceful, aggressive and vigilant. He is confused by the nudge to change how he views the world.

The feminine side of yourself has grown in strength and he has had to step to one side and does not want to let go of his old way of dealing with the world, because it’s under his control and familiar. He’s having difficulty understanding that the world is now moving toward a time of love and how this applies to him.

Don’t get me wrong…the feminine is still learning herself. Not all are experiencing it this way. In some women and men the feminine might be strong and they need to give voice to their masculine side. It does not matter what the imbalance is...it only matters that they stand side by side equal in their strength and honouring each other for what they have to offer on the ray of love.

Your masculine does not know how love can protect when strength and aggression have previously done the job. The gentle nurturing but very powerful feminine is making him feel redundant in his duties…because that is how he has viewed his role…as a duty of service. Your husband is reflecting this to you.

It still doesn’t answer my question. How will this affect my current life and marriage?

Athena: The question is not about how it will affect your marriage, but how it will affect you. A fully empowered authentic human is powerful in her/his dark/light but together with someone else they create a greater power and so it is with your inner aspects. All together and in balance you are very powerful. Put two people together and they are even more powerful…put a community together…and so it expands…you understand?

The choices are yours…but a word of caution…don’t make a specific choice…simply love yourself into becoming your fully authentic self and everything else will fall into place. Once you reach this fully empowered authentic self you will find that all that worried you has fallen away.

You will be creating from a very different place. Take each step at a time, don’t examine or analyse, merely be, accept and allow. Some of it will be ugly and some not.

The downloads coming in from the Grand Central Sun are taking no prisoners. You can be in denial all you want, it will merely make it far more difficult for you to cope. The days of sitting on the fence waiting to see what happens are over.

Yikes, tough words from a tough lady.

Athena: You can support your family by supporting yourself. When you find that centred place in your heart you are sending out rays of support and love to others around you.

It will be difficult but you know that deep down under everything is that pool of peace. Keep focused on that and all the chaotic emotions, whether they are yours or others, will move on quickly.

You can do this, I have no doubt. I have no doubt that every single person on planet Earth is able as well.

Which made me ask the question – what exactly is the divine masculine and what should he be doing?

Athena: I’m not going to define what he is. It is a concept you all need to gradually grow organically to understand. I can fill your head with all kinds of ideas…but as you are on the path to mastery, your own journey will unfold the truth of what your divine masculine counterpart is. What you experience as the divine masculine today will be different from what you experience tomorrow.

Both masculine and feminine are love and if you base your understanding upon that then you will slowly come to understand the differences and who does what where.

I took a break and had a long soaking bath. The conversation carried on in the bath but I cannot remember half of it, which is frustrating in itself. There were quite a few profound insights. Maybe it’s not important now.

Ah yes…now I remember one of them.

Athena mentioned that when relationships end, it is not merely the relationship with the person, lover, parent, friend or work colleague that ends. It is the relationship within yourself with yourself that redefines itself and in this redefining of itself finds that it needs a different kind of relationship. Some of those relationships grow organically to fit in with the new you, but some don’t and it is time to move on. When we are angry, resentful or sad at the changes…it is at ourselves. The sadness could be grief at the changes within ourselves and the death of the ‘old’ us, etc.

After all this I seem to be finding once again that the thread of all that she has been telling me is that the journey now is about me and me only.

Strangely, I am feeling both happy and sad…that ever present loving peace is glowing strongly within me. With this I can face anything as the constructs of my old life break down around me.

I am grateful that I am experiencing this in my current life, rather than having to start all over again in a new body.

‘With age comes wisdom’ – this is something I’ve always believed and I hope that with age my wisdom grows.

May you all be blessed on your journey to wholeness.