Fear of straying

Yesterday a few thoughts kept making their way around my head. Some of them had popped up to make themselves known during the massage session.

What happens if he gets bored and strays?

Do I need to drop my rods every time to show how much I appreciate him?

Will the spice be good enough to keep him interested?

Wow, where the hell did they come from.

As you might have guessed our relationship has been to hell and back over the 25 years we have been together. We have been through various stages of the first flush of love to settling into comfort, then boring, then to dislike of each other – so much so we couldn’t stand to be in each others company, to breathing fresh life into our relationship.

It kinda reminds me of when I was young. I had my first sexual encounter at 16 – on my birthday. I decided quite analytically, that it was time. And after that I used this power until hubby and I committed to each other.We haven't looked at anyone else since then.

Once a virgin has her hymen pierced, the energy that is stored within her is unleashed. As we have had so many distortions through our lifetimes, this sacred energy of creation is used in different ways, depending on the person.

I used it for power – it was a game to me – to see how many men I could draw into my net.

Always reminds me of the nursery rhyme about the spider and the fly.

It has taken me almost 45 years to realise that this energy is one of creation. How we use it creates our reality.

My inner masculine has been out of kilter without his divine feminine. Therefore I bought into this 3D world of discordant dominant male energy…and yes I have incarnated as a man on more than one occasion.

So as a result I have the emotions from all these lifetimes of sexual encounters as my backdrop. And hiding away until now, were these thought forms and emotions.

Now I understand why my inability to fully focus on taking Karezza seriously. My inner fear that was lurking was stopping me from this…and as a result because of the energy limitations that I was creating within my marriage and therefore in my reality hubby could only react in the way that my energy allowed.

I also feel so guilty about having an orgasm/s when he doesn’t. It doesn’t seem fair.

Add to this, the collective fears around sexuality and it makes for a doozy cauldron of emotions.

My inner masculine and feminine are slowly coming back into balance. It is not an easy road to travel, but very necessary if I am to achieve Heaven on Earth.

And to reinforce this, I had a dream about it.

Time to release the old mind-set and move on.

Julia the link to the above artist's work.