Nothing

Nothing…I feel nothing toward the world these days.

I have withdrawn so completely that I don’t even have any compassion and no desire to be part of it. This is very unusual for me as I’ve always been involved, initially, in the drama and then in the emotional transmutations for the collective.

I’ve popped onto websites to do some reading but have no desire to do the reading once I find something. It’s almost as though my brain closes down and it’s just a load of words that mean nothing to me.

I am simply going through the motions, merely a habit of always looking to see what’s new in the alternative/spiritual world.

All of it seems ‘old’.

I asked Athena what is going on. She hasn’t given me a full explanation except to say that I am still looking for answers in the ‘other’ world, but there aren’t any that fit in with the new world. It is all speculation. I could/should find the answers within.

This morning I didn’t have internet access and found myself wandering around the house trying to find things to do instead of being on the internet.

I’ve also been worrying about work and the pressure to make a decision to do another degreed course, as well as trying to get ready for our holiday in France – making up instructions for my son to follow. I simply feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. Yesterday at work was a difficult day and everything that could be thrown at me, was. I have nothing more to give.

Athena pointed out that I am far too dependent on everything in my life to bring me happiness. That stopped me in my tracks. I thought about this as I cleaned, shopped and walked around in the rain.

Does my happiness depend on the outer trappings? Maybe it does. I have cut most things from my life so it is less cluttered, but now they are asking me to completely cut the 3D world and I am having difficulty with it. Take away the outer trappings and what defines us in this life - what are we left with?

The reason for writing my memoirs is not so much to clear the remainder of what is holding me back but to view all my memories from the 5D perspective. It is supposed to be a celebration of all that I have achieved.

And yet I’ve been feeling very sad, tears not far from the surface. I asked if I was wallowing too much. No, was the answer, you are merely letting go of the last of a way of being, which you have known for many lifetimes. A period of mourning is normal.

This time in the Mayan calendar is one of destruction. I am seeing those ‘old 3D’ parts of me being destroyed. When we leave for France on 4 September it will be the beginning of the flowering and we shall arrive back in the UK on 23 September, at the end of this flowering and the start of the 6^th night. So my time ‘away from it all’ is coming at the right time – it wasn’t planned – it just seemed to fall into place this way. I didn’t even know about the Mayan calendar until a few months ago. Guidance from my HS? More than likely.

I sincerely hope this mournful malaise passes soon and that I am able to become the ‘real’ me. The authentic me, that doesn’t need anything but myself.

I seem to have mourned quite a bit this year, each time another piece of myself has died. This seems to be the final push.

Here I thought plugging into 5D would be a breeze.