Last night we went through to my nephew and his fiancé for a BBQ. The conversation at one stage turned to a question about how our son was doing. That was the trigger point of a heated discussion between hubby and I.
The situation became rather weird as I felt like I was fighting myself. I sorta pushed it to one side and left it at that as we turned to another topic of conversation.
Last night there were two responses from Dorothy and Luminance River to my blog that got me thinking deeply and I asked my guides to give me some insights as to what was going on…because I knew that there was something in what was happening recently and yet I couldn’t see it. My initial thought when I woke this was morning was to ask my guides if we’d done it. Their answer was an emphatic YES. Ooookay.
So a little background to this whole scenario to help understand the insight.
I have always known that what was happening between our son and hubby was of my own construct but I couldn’t quite figure out how…or rather I couldn’t really be bothered to figure out how.
Over the last year and a half our son has displayed a great deal of reticence to actually taking part in life. By that I mean he refuses to accept that his life needs to go the same way it has gone for everyone else in the world. He keeps saying to me, ‘Mom, you’ve always told me that I don’t have to do what I don’t want to. I must do something I enjoy.’
Granted…I have said that and yet he does nothing…has no inclination to actually find what makes him happy. And so hubby over this time has been pushing and pushing and yet I understand what our son is feeling on the one hand but on the other I sometimes feel he should suck it up and get on with…the rest of us do.
|Hubby n I|
Quite a while ago hubby and I were talking about him starting his own business. He feels really restricted lately by the company and so I said if he starts his own business he can do what he wants, when he wants. He got really angry and said he’d been thinking about this and knows he CAN’T do it. I had a strange reaction in that I wondered what he was actually trying to say to me that I couldn't see or hear.
I thought in all of this time that I’d cut my ties to our son and let him to…but it seems I have done the surface stuff and not the deeper stuff. Then I thought it might be past life things coming back to haunt me.
But you know what I realised this morning, as I read over LR and Dorothy’s comments on my blog, is that none of this is hubby or our son. It is all my own inner aspects talking to me. My body suddenly lit up with recognition of this and it is buzzing with this knowledge.
I did not have the time to right it down as we were on our way out to buy a wedding present for my nephew and fiancé as they are getting married next Friday. It is a quiet registry wedding and we are the only two representing the family.
I discussed this insight with hubby in the car. I realise now that even though he has had a change of inner soul to a twin-flame, he could not change the lesson I was having to learn and understand and therefore this tug o’ war between him and our son had to continue until I actually understood what the problem was.
I keep wanting to call hubby ‘ME’, since then because he is me talking to me and although over the years I have understood this and I thought I understood is deep within me, since this epiphany this morning I now realise I didn’t know and understand the half of it…and probably that is only a drop in the vastness of the wisdom waiting to unfold.
As hubby and our son are constantly in my life they were the ones to deliver the message and continued replaying it over and over.
So now I understand my reticence to actually fully step into my role of teaching as a Lightworker. Both hubby and our son have delivered this message to me time and time again…and yet I couldn’t see it.
So once again I realise that there is this programming of the subconscious, which also ties in with the whiskers of energy I saw yesterday on the body…and still see today. As I think and feel different colours make their strong appearance drowning out the rainbow colours.
If for example I have a typical reaction…say…whenever I see hubby and or son together. I am happy when they are smiling and talking to each other, but underneath in me there is another programme running that believes that this will go to pot and they will end up rowing. Is it a real happiness or a kind of relief that they are getting on well? I know now that underlying that is a much deeper issue of me expecting it to go sour. But in reality, it is me fighting with me inside.
On the one hand I want the changes but on the other I am resisting it, so another portion of me is stepping in and pushing and causing a reaction. And this is playing out in my world on the outside.
So underneath this relief, or whatever you want to call it, is the other programme running…the one that says I can’t. This is a thought form and an emotion that comes from all my past lives put together…which I thought I had cleared but very obviously I haven’t.
We also have the synapsis reaction of the brain…simply because this is the way it has happened over and over again in all my lifetimes. I can try to be as cheerful as possible…but the programme underneath doesn’t know any different and continues to throw out what has been programmed into me for centuries.
What I now need to do is take that typical reaction and change it by creating a different reaction/thought and to keep at it regularly until the new synapsis takes and becomes the real thought.
Having the insight is the biggest step by far. Once I have isolated and examined this typical reaction I can start working on it.
Basically I have to change habits of a long time. The kicker is that it is difficult to break a habit without some help, as it is a tough and well established programme. It would be great if we could simply delete the old programme and install a new one…well we can but it takes time and effort.
Yesterday’s insight showed what my reaction is to them as individuals as well as when they are together.
This reminds me of my previous reaction to hubby. He and I were never in the same space we are now, until I made an effort and changed my typical reaction and attitude toward him. By making the effort of opening myself up to change, I created a space within which we both could change.
When we react energetically to someone in a negative way, they will react back, whether it be to run away, or stand and confront us. When we clear our stuff, even though that other person may have not cleared theirs…there can be no reaction because there is no energy to react to.
There is a difference between pushing it down and ignoring it and clearing. Your energy will still react to another’s energy, even if you have pushed it so far down that there is no possibility of it entering your conscious mind.
It is my job to take any old programming and change it…thus whatever is going on between hubby and our son (which is past life) will no longer affect me, as there is nothing within me that will react.
How to deal with this? I used to use all kinds of things like EFT, or body work, flower essences…these days I am told to simply BE in the energy or thought form that I am attempting to transmute and to open my heart and accept within it, and as it no longer serves and it will be transmuted.
I also call on my team to help with the clearing.
Everything that is outside of me, are aspects of me demanding my attention to resolve that which is out of kilter and needs aligning. It also helps me to understand why my guides have told me not to disconnect my chakras from hubby's. We are one and what he experiences I experience and vice versa. We are in this together and are moving forward together as one entity.
|My son and I|
Now I also understand why last week during our private pilates/yoga fitness session, Vicky and our son discussed starting to work with weights. I was busy doing some stretches so I ignored them until Vicky said, ‘Karen, you can also do these.’
So my son as an aspect of me, is saying that this is needed. I’m not averse to it, I think it would be good for me. I asked my guides and they said yes I need to strengthen my body because I need to embody the stronger and more powerful energies.
Interesting what my aspects are bringing to the table.
The feminine is asking us to go deep within ourselves to find out what is creating our outer world. With the masculine energy on his own without the feminine to balance him out, has created a world of DOing where we look outside of ourselves for the answers and can then blame everyone else for what is going on.
And this is why I have been surrounded over the last two years by many strong masculine energies. The masculine within me is looking to balance himself out with the feminine within me that is now surging to the fore.
My session with the young man on Friday went really well. He is a very strong and powerful empathic silent sentinel. Amazingly he could ‘see’ so much. Wow, incredible these beautiful youngsters have so much to offer the world if we can help them to find their way.
The depth of my gratitude to all those that have contributed to this very powerful and new piece of me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All of you are catalysts in helping me leap forward by clearing another layer as I work my way back to becoming a fully empowered BEing.