Oh my word…I woke this morning feeling so sorry for myself.
A state of melancholy that I’ve not experienced for a while…and after the highs…this seemed to be really really really LOW.
As I brushed my teeth with a sorrowful movement, I felt things moving around my feet again. Didn’t bother to look…I knew who it was and just remember thinking, ‘*&%!, here come the police.’
Yeah…I know…not a good place, but there you go…it happens…but there is always a reason.
So feeling really sorry for myself I sat down with my laptop, intending to eventually do a meditation…when a thought…one which I thought was merely to get me out of meditating, cos I was really happy to wallow…suddenly popped into my mind. Go on to Zingdad’s website - on Saturday, Zingdad contacted me, which was a lovely surprise. It is amazing how all of us are starting to connect and for which I am grateful.
Yeah, I thought, go on…foil them in their dastardly plot.
So I did and came across Shadb’s music. Hmm…I’ll listen to see what it’s like…anything to get out of meditating.
Meh…what did I know…I should know by now how sneaky I can be to me.
I clicked on the first piece of music without really reading what it was for – the Violet one. It was only later that I really looked at the description – works on the emotional body.
I sat quietly listening, only to find that the dragons were around me and were trying to align me with the light, cos of course I was off centre, wasn’t I. But hang on I was really enjoying wallowing, so I cut myself off from the meditation and decided to surf the net while I was listening to the music.
Didn’t work, did it? I could feel myself coming back into alignment. I then clicked on the Green music – haha…to do with the heart, mind and respiratory system – universal love. It was during this music that I found myself crying. My mother had sent me an email that started it.
I remembered all the losses we’d suffered…moving from South Africa to the UK, the loss of in every way - grandparents, hubby’s parents, our pets, living so far away from everyone…you name it, I cried over it. Surprised me as I thought I’d cleared most of it.
Oh woe is me :-(
So for good measure once the Green music was over, I played the Orange music – enjoy life. Hmm…not there yet, was I? So it made me cry some more.
It reminded me of the pure joy of playing with abandon, which I seem to have lost today. It prompted me to think of the days I spent in our family home in Cape Town. We had a huge garden filled with all kinds of fruit trees. My favourite was a Guava tree that I used to climb regularly…it had a branch that was my horse. I used to ride off into different adventures on it.
We also had a pergola covered in a vine that fruited green grapes regularly. My sister and I used to pretend it was a stage and we did all kinds of plays there…and our parents and relatives smiled and applauded through these extravaganzas. Happy times indeed…and it made me cry.
Oh to get back the pure joy of playing with abandon…and yet what is holding me back? Do I need to be a ‘child’ in size to feel this way? I feel the joy of being an adult…but do I get the same buzz that I had as a child?
As I was listening to the music, suitably restored to my equilibrium and no longer crying…I came across this article on Facebook about childhood - http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html
It shows how important it is for a community to raise a child…all with a similar outlook. I am positive we are moving back toward this and soon lone parenting will be a thing of the past. When I say ‘lone’ parenting…I don’t mean only single parents…I mean being alone as a couple too, without the benefit of a stable community around us. I’ve experienced the extended family community in the early years of my children’s life…but once we moved to the UK…we were alone…and that is very difficult.
The author is quite correct when she says our children react to our fear. I found this with my two. As soon as I started to clear my own fear…my children started to become healthier and happier with each clearing. I can’t say I always got it right…that is impossible…but I did my best…and in the clearing of my own emotions, I gave my children a gift.
So now I am on to the Ruby music – the tuning fork…and am wondering who is driving this vehicle that is my body. Cos if it was left up to that self pitying part of me…I’d still be in wallowing.
It seems my soul is in charge these days, for which I am very grateful. All lessons in how to love ourselves despite what we would call our ‘shortcomings’.
The mind and emotions can hijack things every so often, but mostly they don’t get away with it. Not any more…things are changing at a rapid rate. The space for wallowing is getting smaller and smaller…well it is for me as has been shown today.
It doesn’t mean to say that it is wrong to feel melancholic or unhappy, it isn’t. I am being shown that it is okay…it’s an expression of who I am now.
In our new world, we would support each other as we go through difficult times, but the difficult times would not last long. The energy of the community would uplift us and bring us back into alignment.
So I started out in a terrible mood…but now I am seeing the beauty of where we are heading. My focus these days has been on my heart’s desire…that of living in unity within a community…and I see it drawing closer and closer with each day.
My heart is now singing :-)
My grateful thanks to the dragons, Shadb, Zingdad and my soul.