My tears of grief and melancholy

My inner clock is out of wack. We keep hitting a wall of tiredness at about 8pm and waking at 4am. I sincerely hope that this is sorted by the time I do my first night next week Tuesday, otherwise I am in trouble.

I woke this morning to find that I am feeling rather empty and melancholic…kinda like you feel after a great deal of activity and then an emptiness where there had been so much. After a shower I was downstairs loading the washing machine with the mountains of washing to do…some I might add is from our son and his friends. They used everything but never washed it. Our son informed hubby that he ran out of socks and used hubby’s!! Some eye rolling…teenagers!!   :-)

My baby girl and me

I decided that today I would do the cutting ties ceremony. Yesterday as I walked to work I realised that now was the time to cut ties to where we live and work, as it is time to move on. I spoke to the energy of the town we live in, our house and the hospital where I work. We all agreed it was time and I thanked them. Long story short…it is going to happen this weekend. I did ask that our new place of abode and work present itself…but until these other doors are shut, it won’t happen.

But…the inner wise me shook her head and said that no ties would be cut today…I still have to work through my grief that I have shoved to one side. This is necessary before I can move on. I admit that I have been ignoring it in the hope that it would go away…hence the empty feeling.

And so I sat down and tapped into this well of grief and cried and cried and cried. All the music that played really hit a spot. I felt the deep grief of being split between two places. I love our little home, our kitties, our son and all the people that I know here, as well as the UK…but I love our daughter…and our friends, and in spite of only getting to know their two little ones recently and for a short time…I feel the grief of splitting from them too.

I am crying as I sit here typing this blog.

So at the moment I am split between two places and finding it very hard. I remember the words that I told myself – grieve and then let go.

I am also grieving for the farewell to our little house, the town where we live and my place of work - so a rather large well to clear out before I can cut the ties.

Strangely enough…or maybe not…yesterday when I was discussing our holiday with work colleagues I mentioned that the night before we left Sydney there was an almighty lightning and thunderstorm and bucket loads of rain, one of them piped up and said, ‘Australia didn’t want you to leave.’ This is exactly a sentiment echoed by my friend and our daughter at the time.

Who knows…I leave it to spirit to guide us once again…as happened when we left Cape Town for the UK. 

All I do know is that I will be spending a lot of time out that way in future. But things change so quickly from day to day that it is difficult to make a prediction. So I am keeping my mind and options open…actually it just struck me now…maybe I shouldn’t be waiting around like a pawn to be moved by someone else. I am in control of my life, so I need to make the decision.

Hmm…food for thought, eh?

I’m gonna do a bit of dancing to get the energy moving and see what comes out of it.