Today is one of those blah days, as was yesterday. No energy and simply feel like I couldn’t be bothered.
I’ve put some upbeat music on to cheer myself up. I’ve spent a couple of hours in the garden watching the birds and the bumble bees, feeling very sorry for myself. One look at myself in the mirror this morning confirmed that I look exactly how I feel. All this clearing is really taking its toll.
Whilst alternately working in the garden and sitting enjoying the peace I came to the realisation that I was fearful beneath the ‘couldn’t be bothered attitude’. I’m very good at facing my demons and embracing the shadow side of me and yet…when it came to embracing the light I was so terrified, it kept me rooted to the ground like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Taking my power back and being all that I am – my authentic self is the most terrifying thing I could do. The 3D world I’ve been so immersed in lifetime after lifetime is familiar and I know how to work with it but the light…this is an unknown entity. I get vague stirrings of memory of the ability to be who I truly am and that raises the fear.
Hubby is embracing his HS with ease. Not that he is meditating or doing all those other things lightworkers do, but he is acting differently and when I look into his eyes I see him and more, which frightens me. He wants to interact on a soul level but I keep running away. Why after all this time of me working constantly on myself am I having such a hard time and yet he is walking into this with ease. Maybe ignorance is bliss, ‘cos you go with the flow. He doesn’t agonise over what is going on – he simply accepts it.
I shed a tear of sadness at my inability to accept this powerful part of myself. As I was doing this a butterfly briefly hovered in front of me before flying off. This made me think of my authentic self hovering then disappearing, then coming back then disappearing – all because when it gets too strong I run away.
I know Athena is waiting patiently for me to come to terms with this. She hasn’t interfered in any way. Through the fog I know she is there. This morning I woke at 5am and felt so despairing. She enveloped me in a warm encompassing hug which had me floating and feeling light. I slept for another few more hours in this cocoon of love while they healed me.
As I sat outside the sun kept appearing then disappearing – how apt. It also brought to mind the period when I was bedridden in the early 90s because of my back. My chiropractor insisted that I use alternately hot and cold pads on my back to loosen the muscles. Is this appearing and disappearing of the sun and my authentic self slowly but surely shaking loose the tightness I have around myself.
Thinking back to my blog about ‘what you resist persists’ I had a sudden revelation. I was focusing on the dark side of myself and the resistance but what about my resistance to the light. I was embracing the dark and working with but I wasn’t doing so with the light. By opening up and embracing both I would be bringing these two sides into balance.
So I must remember this – light also persists and grows the more we resist.
Revelation indeed…now I need to find the energy to deal with it and mow the lawn.
P.S. Oh goodness I just read Lauren's post called 'One eclipse left...and counting'. This section has answered what I am feeling now - this couldn't be bothered space I am in.
Here is the section that really grabbed my attention:
'And I guess that makes sense because we have been grounding so deeply into present-moment awareness that the past is becoming a hazy dream and the unknown of the future is becoming less-daunting by the minute. This in-between space goes by many names: zero-point, still-point, neutrality, presence, the now-moment, the space between thoughts, etc. I call this space "ijustdonthaveenufenergytocareanymore".
Whatever you call it, when you're here…you're free. This is the space where you are truly willing to let it all hang out and be the authentic you that you came here to be….warts and all. Now's a really good time to ask yourself: What do I still care about? Then let that go too. Because when you just.don't.care.anymore, you finally get out of your own way and let your heart lead…which is the whole point. This is the proverbial "empty vessel" that Mother/Father God is looking for to fill us up with some of that love juice.'
I have uploaded the whole piece for you to read on this blogspot.
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