Seeing this gorgeous picture on the internet made me remember the awe and pleasure, the erotic feel of creating and growing life within me. I knew the minute I fell pregnant with both my children despite not being aware at the time. I’d shut down my abilities at a young age as I found the world very harsh and unsympathetic. I come from a long line of mediums but my grandmother was terrified of her ability and refused to talk about it.
It never ceased to amaze me how my body knew what to do. With my first pregnancy I went from stick thin 48 kilograms to a voluptuous and curvy womanly 65 kilograms. I loved my pregnancy. As my daughter and my body grew I felt a burgeoning of love. Hubby always made me feel beautiful during the blossoming of my body, always commenting how it seemed so intimate and sexy.
As my body grew I could feel my feminine side awakening. I’d always been serious, cynical and logical. I had until then, worked for several law firms heading up their debt departments, the final one dealing with house repossessions. I was hard and unsympathetic for those in debt – until I fell pregnant. I felt compelled to find something more suited to the newly emerging me.
I stepped into a part time position of PA to one of the top three solicitors in family law in the country. He was a compassionate hard working man. It was here that I learnt that it doesn’t matter how much money you have, you still feel pain and react the same as anyone else. He also taught me about integrity. I worked for him for five years until he died of a heart attack whilst running a marathon.
Both my pregnancies and children taught me a great deal and have been, besides hubby, the greatest influence in my life. My daughter woke the feminine side of me whilst my son was the catalyst that took me deep into a purging or ‘dark night of the soul’ as it is commonly known.
I’d suffered a miscarriage between pregnancies and never quite dealt with it. I’d lost the foetus on Thursday, had a DNC on Friday and was back at work on Monday, never fully grieving for our lost child. This, amongst other things, demanded my attention when six months later I fell pregnant again.
This pregnancy was very different to the first one. I was manic, never resting and I never put on any weight. All I had was a small ball of a stomach. At one stage my obstetrician was worried as the child wasn’t growing.
Six months after my son was born I had a melt down in the form of postnatal depression. It had became so bad that I tried to commit suicide one evening by taking a few handfuls of sleeping pills. After taking them, I lay quietly next to my husband and felt my body shutting down slowly. I could, strangely enough, hear the consternation of the angels around me as they healed me. I kept on hearing the words, ‘It’s not your time yet. You’ve so much to do.’
This was a near death experience that catapulted me into my spiritual awakening, opening the door I’d closed. The following morning I had a slight headache but was otherwise fine. I’m not sure that I really intended to die, it was merely a cry for help. I never mentioned it to anyone until a few years ago. I didn’t want to worry my family over my stupidity.
Yet despite this rather wobbly start to our relationship, my son and I are very close. I have a similar closeness with my daughter who, in spite of living in Australia, still phones for advice and a chat regularly. Thank you, sweeties, you are two very brave souls.
To this day I bear, with pride, the external badges of this awakening time that the four of us shared - a rounded belly with a few silvery marks. Hubby says it adds to my beauty.
We are reaping the rewards of our journey that contained both struggle and flow.
P.S. I have no idea whose image this is - it was sent to me by a friend and she can't remember where she found it.
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