I am batting so far out of the field of understanding that maybe what I am going to write about might seem incomprehensible. It may be so for now, but who knows how much change the energies will bring about.
For me the most telling lately is the synchronicities happening. What hubby and I (together with many others in this field of sexuality) are doing is laying the gridwork for the new world. So what may seem totally unbelievable now, may slowly but surely settle within you, so subtly that you won’t notice it.
In no way am I saying that what everyone else is experiencing is wrong. It is merely my observations of what it is for me…and hubby. You may understand it differently and that is okay and perfect.
But maybe I can create an opening to bring more understanding…and maybe someone is feeling a little lost..knows something is not quite right but are not sure what it is or how to change it...or whether it is changeable at all.
For me the best gauge of how my inner world is faring is my outer world, my body…and my hubby, of course. The sexual meditations have made me aware more so of my body than I have been previously. I have always listened to my body...but the very deep underlying core issues were not something I was tuned into at all.
Over this last year I have come to realise how much tension my body is carrying. Spending time in sexual meditation has stripped much of the pretence of this 3D world that we both carry…and yet if you’d told me this a year or two ago, I would have frowned…or laughed at the ridiculousness of that. Intellectually I would have understood, but it would have ended there.
Our bodies are amazing. Whatever our beliefs and emotions are, give our bodies definition. Our bodies in their own right are Divine. They were created as a Divine blueprint, perfect in every way that reflected the Divine essence that it carries within.
In this life I have not experienced any sexual trauma. I’ve always been in charge of what I want to experience and have never been ‘forced’ to do anything I was not comfortable with. But I have been aware of past life traumas as well as the traumas of aspects of myself where this has not been so.
As the flagship for my past, present, future and parallel aspects I needed to be a strong soul without too many distractions. Admittedly if you’d asked me when I was younger, I would have said my childhood was terrible. It wasn’t really…I can see that now that I have cleared a lot of the emotional baggage. But as humans, we like to draw our traumas around us like a safety blanket which allows us to be a victim and gain sympathy.
We all do this, whether a victim or a victimiser. The victimiser was/is essentially a victim of his/her circumstances. We like to give our power away and say, ‘it is so-and-so’s fault that I am this way’. This way we feel comfortable with the fact that it is never our fault.
I suppose the question that is being asked of us these days with the current energy swirling around is – ‘are you going to continue to play victim or are you going to take responsibility for what has been created’. Yes, we have in the past created by default...without the knowledge that we were doing so.
And so I come to sexuality. This is an issue which is kind of side-tracked in the main spiritual community…and I often wonder why. Is it because intimacy really means that? It is not only intimacy with ourself but with another who is reflecting back at us our own imperfections we don't want to see.
Many of us can sit and meditate in the company of others and yet have difficulty doing so intimately with someone that we love. I know quite a few women/men will say that they don’t have the partner/spouse who believes in this. I didn’t…and yet still managed by creating my own reality.
What I do understand is that it is scary to embark on this road with someone else because it means we have to look deep inside ourselves to see what is creating our reality as it is. The intimacy we experience with another is in actual fact the intimacy with ourselves and if we aren’t loving ourselves much how can we create/attract a loving partner?
Now a moment of clarification – we are all where we are and it is perfect so I am not saying that everyone should be where I am – not at all. We are all part of the picture that is creating the world we live in and it would be pretty boring if we were all the same. That is the beauty of being individual.
Despite being in a relationship I used to feel like I’d lost someone or something…until I realised it was actually ‘me’ I was missing. The sacred union within is so much more important…it may seem trite to say this as I sit where I am today.
I don’t even know if I am expressing very well what I am trying to say from my heart.
As hubby and I sit or recline in sexual meditation, the energetic restrictions of our emotions are allowed to express themselves within the safe space created. It doesn’t always go according to plan…but that is all part of the adventure. Perseverance and practice certainly helps, even on the days we don’t really feel like it.
There will be times when I’ve wanted to run away and hide. That is normal too. It is a gentle process of release but the emotion released might be quite traumatic and I have learnt to love myself through the changes as best I can..and as I was doing so, hubby responded and mirrored this love back at me. So believe me, it does get better...certainly not overnight...but it does get better.
One thing I became aware of on Friday night, is the secret inner place within, which I’d heard of but had never actually ‘seen’ or experienced. It is that space within us (whether you are male or female) that is hidden from the harsh 3D world we live in.
I am not frigid…never have been. Although others might beg to differ as I've never been a great fan of 'toys' or porn which in some people's eyes seems to point to a 'lack of adventure' within me. Reading books was more my thing and believe me I have read and written some doozies that got the juices flowing...except strangely enough I've not been drawn to read the Shades of Grey trilogy. I have mostly always experienced orgasm with each love making encounter. Give me a real live body any day :-). Yet I have never accessed that deep inner space that I’d heard about…until recently. I’d thought it was merely the active imagination of a few wanting there to be something more.
To say I was surprised is an understatement. It appeared to me as a garden filled to the brim with the most amazing flower blooms…but they were all one bland colour and covered in ice. Frozen in time and space waiting for that time when the sun would warm them and release their beautiful colours and scent within me. I did wonder what form the ‘sun’ would take.
Hmm…ask the question and you get the answer, don’t you?
Months ago I mentioned that energetically hubby’s privates had become gold…like a sun…and then forgot about it because it became so familiar.
As we, once again, sank into lovemaking last night, I felt myself let go and totally relax inside accepting hubby deep within me. It was not so much a physical acceptance as an emotional one. As I did so, a brief few rays of the sun burst through into the garden. For a second I was taken by surprise, and yet I wasn’t. It all seemed so familiar and normal. I heard the words ‘rod of magnetism’.
Now believe me when I say that I find some names of body parts really bizarre. Tantra is no exception when it comes to this - some resonate, some don't. I also find some of the rituals rather tiresome too...but that is me. So I have avoided them. Has this been to my detriment? Not sure, but I think I am happy with the road we have carved for ourselves. Not every shoe fits all.
I have had the odd inspiring snippets from teachers along the way…but mostly we have been our own teachers, following instinctively what we feel suits us. There might be some gurus out there throwing their hands up in the air in horror.
So there you have it. It takes time, patience, perseverance, practise and loadsa loving…and a few doubts along the way as we wonder if this is going anywhere.
My thanks to all of you. The fact that hubby and I are moving at such a pace shows me how much all of us are doing to reach this fantabulous new paradigm. May you feel the beauty of what we are creating and the thaw within you as your sun fills you to the brim with love and pleasure. Long may we live to experience the fun and happiness of the new world.
I look forward to the day when I when I meet every one of you in person. There is nothing better than hugging someone physically and looking into their eyes to feel love.