I was busy pottering around the house this morning, waiting for the person who was going to repair the chip in my windscreen, when I heard a voice asking why I was feeling so guilty. It sounded like me and certainly stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t have time to ponder ‘cause the doorbell rang.
Turns out the chip was an old one, had been repaired and was still okay – so no work needed. I asked why it was so visible now when it hadn’t been. He shrugged and said it happens sometimes but if I run my finger over it I will find it’s smooth. This chip has been visible for months, but I hadn’t bothered to do anything about it, but suddenly last week got a bee in my bonnet about fixing it.
So here I was looking at an old chip in my car’s windscreen and thinking it needed to be repaired when in fact it was fine. Is this what my conscience has been trying to tell me for months? I’m seeing the need to repair something that doesn’t need repairing.
I sat down in the sun to meditate on this and this is what came into my mind. Last year in May I had coffee with a friend whom I’d known for years. We’d been discussing my daughter’s relocation to Australia and how strange it had been because the energy in our house and the family had to adjust to the changes. We were not a balanced family unit of two males and two females anymore. My daughter was having difficulty adjusting to her new life and was really having a ‘university of life’ experience.
My friend’s parting shot was, ‘So pleased to see you’re having problems like the rest of us.’ As soon as the words left her mouth she looked horrified and apologised profusely. Needless to say, since then she’s been avoiding me.
That was the start of the full blown guilt I was feeling. My life has been complicated over the years, but I’d spent so much time clearing and working on myself that I was reaping the rewards and my life was certainly getting better, simpler and more beautiful. I was surrounded by love and pleasure and I was feeling guilty about it. Everyone else was suffering and I was having a good time.
Was I gloating in my happiness? I don’t think I was but who knows maybe it came across that way. It was never my intention to make anyone feel like they were lacking. I was simply vibrating with happiness, although on reflection I suppose to some it could be a slap in the face or possibly left a sour taste at the sickly sweetness. And yet deep down I was worrying about what people were thinking, otherwise there would never have been an opening for her to say those words. Blooming heck, thought I’d released that.
So what was my reaction? To create a bit of drama in my life so I was like everyone else. I did this instead of celebrating the result of my hard work. Why would I do that? I suppose I don’t want to be alone in my happiness. Even though I’ve got hubby, I still want friends. But do I have to lower my vibration to get friends? Surely there are others out there who have moved on from needing drama in their lives?
How do I find the balance? I feel great sadness at the moment wondering where all these others are?
I’ve lost a great many friends over the years because of the changes I’ve made. People are always moving in and out of my life. Thank goodness for the consistency of my marriage. I do love hubby and enjoy our times together but friends are also important.
I used to run coffee mornings up until three years ago, made up of those on their journey and we used to discuss all kinds of topics. It was mainly women but we had a few men drop in when they had a chance. We used to have so much fun and on some occasions the animated discussions went on until late afternoon.
It lasted approximately four years but slowly people moved away. Most of them are working through health issues such as cancer or the breakdown of their relationships. We might get together once they’ve moved past these, but I’m not holding my breath.
I now have a new set of friends but none of them are into ‘spiritual stuff’. We talk about everything but that. I enjoy our times together and they indulge me on the odd occasion when I raise something. I feel like the ‘kooky aunt’ lovingly accepted by all, but not to be taken too seriously. I know that this is my own ‘stuff’ that I need to deal with and finally I have an answer. I must have been working through quite a bit to reach this revelation.
This now opens the door to new friends :-)
Sometimes we need to go back to see that what we’ve left behind is really what we want to leave behind and how far we have come.
So, today I’m going to celebrate the return of my happiness with a zippy insane song with hardly any content.