Through the mists of time…the foggy veil that covers my memories…the shadowy figures that have been hovering in the background are starting to make themselves known.
As I have walked this path, I pick up snippets of teachings as I go along. I examine and experience each one and if it resonates I keep it, otherwise I throw it away. This jigsaw puzzle of my making is unique to me and suits me and my truth as I travel constantly changing and morphing as something new is added.
Mostly it broadens the knowledge that I have collected through experience so that it makes more sense…to me…and maybe others…but the importance is it is valuable to me and is adapted to me and my truth.
Bits of information make inroads and unveil memories that were covered.
Every little thing that has happened to me, both recently and in the past is now all coming together. Things that made absolutely no sense on their own, but as they form a picture are actually quite mind blowing for me…maybe not others…but definitely for me.
I have been puzzling over the changes in our relationship. Since the hand-fasting it seems to be one based more on friendship than that of lovers. I kept asking what was going on but was merely asked to be patient…as usual.
Last year the energetic callipers that were on my feet were cleared away. The reason these energetic callipers were placed there was so that I would ‘walk’ a certain way or path. This was no longer needed. It was happening in readiness for the change over of hubby from soul-mate to twin-flame.
On Tuesday I had an appointment with a physiotherapist up at the hospital (my place of work) and as we were discussing the problem with my feet, so many insights and information came rushing in. It was slightly ungrounding and has taken me since then to sift through the understandings.
This morning I woke with a light bulb moment.
Please bear with me as these are all tied in.
The left side of my body has always been the weakest – it is my feminine side. My right side compensates for this. Haha…my left side is a few millimetres shorter than my right side. Smaller feminine and larger masculine.
Again it is now my left foot that is the worst…and these days my right side is struggling with the constant compensation.
Anyways…since the energetic callipers were removed, I have had to change my way of being which is reflected in my physical body. It hasn’t been easy for me both emotionally and physically to adjust. Our feet are all about moving forward but the partnership of masculine and feminine is out of kilter both with-in and with-out.
The problems that I am experiencing are not really problems. They are rather a reflection of the energetic changes that are happening.
She has taped my feet to support them. This hit home when she said ‘support’. I recall a while ago saying at work that I did not feel supported. We all know how that scenario has played out.
So this lack of support is showing in my life in various ways.
But is it lack of support or simply a change in the way things have always been which feels like a lack of support?
Let me explain.
Hubby in his soul-mate form was an intense man – this was one of the things that I loved about him. He is/was larger than life.
These days as the twin settles fully with-in, his personality is changing. He is far more laid back, still intense at times which could simply be residual.
Sex used to be a huge subject for us. He was a giver/doer and would always make sure I was satisfied. Sometimes I felt it was a demand and at times I’d withdraw. I admit it did cause ructions. Him wanting and me withdrawing.
We finally found a good 'balance'…but these days I am seeing it differently.
Everything all of us have ever done is coated with the patriarchal energy. It has been created through the use of this masculine energy. How else could it have been created with the feminine gone? Please understand that there is nothing wrong with this – it is a cycle we agreed to go through. Everything we all do or react to is with the masculine energy. How many of us want our partners/friends/family to change and demand it of them believing it 'should be this and that way'…this is a masculine energy.
How we have sex…it doesn’t matter who it is…it is all based on the masculine energy.
Women respond to sex in the way the masculine energy has demanded for centuries. How many women have real desire? If we have it, is it based on what we know in the back of our mind, the masculine wants, so we oblige. If I look at it closely, I can see that my desire all these years has been hubby’s desire – not mine. But there is nothing wrong with that. Essentially it gave us a happy marriage…even if it was not based on our authentic selves.
I am no feminist – but I am starting to see so clearly how this energy has played out across the world.
The desperation of the masculine to find his way back to the feminine. He tries all and sundry to do so and in the process hurts the feminine. And this is what is happening with-in all of us. There is not one of us in balance. We have all been part of this creation.
So here is what I understand about the current situation. Both hubby and I are bringing our feminine sides back into balance. He is no longer demanding, but patiently waiting. Therefore ours is a relationship of friendship. The sexual meditations that we are doing (or rather should I say BEing) is creating a safe space for the feminine to reveal herself and not feel threatened. In other words the overpowering sexual masculine energy is taking a back seat out of respect for the feminine. So as a result it feels unsupportive because that 'old way of being' has changed with the old overpoweringly supportive structure retreating.
By having no goal, when we spend time together, we are simply allowing the energy to flow in the way that it should. We are in our hearts and our hearts are guiding us. It is becoming an equal partnership based on authenticity.
Nicole Daedone: You move from being a finite player to an infinite player - you move from doing something in order to 'get' to doing something for the pleasure of doing it. That is freedom.
Does this mean that it is the end of hot sweaty sex? I have absolutely no idea. But this new way feels so right at the moment…puzzling but right. Maybe once we are both in balance and the feminine is far stronger and able to allow herself to be known, it will change once again to something totally different.
I hope I have explained this properly even though briefly. I I have left a lot out - but it would be a rather long blog then.
In the meanwhile it is an interesting journey of exploration and understanding.