Detached and emotionless...and finally grief

The moon on Monday 19/8 taken from our back yard

Sunday was the start of a deep funk. I felt completely detached from everything and after being in such a wonderful place filled with love and happiness...this was a huge shock for me and my system.

Listless, feelingless and unable to settle on anything, I wandered around the house trying to figure out what was going on. I was a bit tired but then I'd worked on Friday night, not slept much on Saturday as my nephew and his lovely wife had come to spend the night. What I did feel was tense and still feel it today.



Yesterday I climbed into the bath to have a lovely soak, after doing a few fire breaths to see if this would help move whatever was going on. I had mentioned to hubby that I was in a space of nothing. He said he'd noticed and had left me alone, except at night when he held me.

Haha...retreating to my man cave!

He came in while I was lying in the bath and asked if I was in the space I was because the two lovies were leaving the UK. That hit home. I felt quite weepy - geez, first feeling I'd actually felt since Sunday.

My nephew and his wife (the two lovies who were married last year - I wrote about it on my other blog Wedding Vows and Union) have decided to emigrate to Australia. I am so incredibly happy for them as they embark on this new adventure. It is a lovely place to be. Our daughter is really excited to have them join her there, so she has some family around her.

Our son is joining them in December for a year's gap year when all three of us fly over for Christmas. When we get back in January, it will only be hubby and I left in the UK.

When our daughter left the nest three years ago, there was a huge hole left in our lives and it took a while (nearly 6 months) before we were okay and another 6 months for us to really embrace it. And now...we are having a triple whammy over the next few months. Three people we love dearly are moving out of our space.

My heart is broken and I am grieving, but it took me a while to acknowledge it.

This weekend was the second last weekend we will spend time with the two lovies. The next time will be when they spend their last night here before we take them to the airport to fly out on the next phase of their lives.

Granted, we will be spending Christmas with all of them, but we still have to fly home at the end of it. Hopefully the stop-over in Kuala Lampur for 4 days, will take my mind off the hard and tearful farewell that will occur at Sydney airport.

The other realisation I had was that my need to do this degree is something my masculine side needs - being practical, capable...and goal setting. This is squashing my feminine side and I have to somehow find a balance that suits both of them. I am not sure what this means, but the feeling that I had last year when I informally resigned, has been growing and growing - I want to move on...and yet I haven't. I have had this feeling before and have stayed on and on and then suddenly one day woke up and felt the time was right to move on...and I did. I've not reached that stage yet, so I figure there are some things I need to sort out internally...again.

The idea has been for me to get a degree that is acceptable to the Australian government so that we can apply for emigration and be granted a visa to live there. This is how my nephew did it. But it has taken so long for the NHS to grant this...9 months in the making and still I have not made any progress forward - nine months of the two years I'd set myself and our moving date keeps eluding us and is constantly being projected into the future.

My niece (nephew's wife) said that she and our daughter have been talking and they are heading a 'two-pronged attack' to get us over there. It made me smile...and believe in miracles again...albeit only briefly.

All of this practicality is stifling to the creative side of me and I find myself wanting more than this. What springs to mind is something a friend of many years said to me a few months ago. She told me that I seemed to be older than I should be, I wasn't having fun and she felt that I should colour my hair cos that was contributing to the greyness of my life. Wow! that really hurt, but after my initial huff, I realised that there was a message in all of this...and it was being delivered by someone who wouldn't normally say things like this.

It isn't about what she does or doesn't know about my life...no-one can know...but it is the message from the universe (and therefore me) that is more important..and because it/I couldn't get my attention, it/I used someone to grab it in an unexpected way. The question being asked is 'why am I not having fun anymore?' The colour mentioned is not so much the colour of my hair, but rather the colour in my life.

It has taken many months for me to understand that particular message and in my goal setting, I'd forgotten about fun. No, there is no fun in my life, especially at work. I enjoy the interaction with the patients...this has been a blessing and a part that I have thoroughly enjoyed...but I don't enjoy the place where I work anymore. It has grown too big and ungainly. There is so much red tape and unhappiness that drags at me when I walk in. The unit used to be small and like a family...that has all changed and I am not sure it is for the better.

Hubby and I still have fun together...but because my job takes up much of my time...this fun is not enough. And the impending loss of three people we love, has also laid a pall over our world.

When I left law, I had no idea that a door would open into the medical world. I had simply felt at the time that I'd had enough of the cold and compassionless world of law. So when I landed a job in the medical field, it was as much as surprise to me as anyone else...and I loved it. I loved the change of pace and the caring compassionate side of things. I am so grateful that I have had this opportunity to find that side of myself.

So...on thinking about it I have come to realise that more of my focus, these days, has been on nature, specifically plants. What about a job in a nursery or landscaping or some such...but nothing like that grabs me. Besides, the practical side of me is thinking about how this will help us to get into Australia.

Hubby's work place is also going through a radical change. The company has been bought out by a French company, of which the French government is a major shareholder. The take over occurs when we are in France - end September. Haha...how fitting!

What this will bring is unknown. As usual, most companies when they do a take over, assure everyone that things will remain the same, but they never do.

What I do know is that as hubby and I change our inner world and our outer relationship with each other, so our outer world reflects the chaos of change. The one stability we have is each other...and change.

Every one of us has the dubious honour and opportunity to anchor the influx of energies within ourselves. We are then able to bring it into the physical within the relationship with ourself. This in turn is anchored within the Earth matrix, so that others may tap into it.



We are all here in different capacities, each one of us contributing in our own way to the new grid. So many incredible people out there are creating within the grid, healing, sustainable living, finances, etc. One of the capacities that I know and understand is that of an intimate couple and together with other couples, hubby and I are using these energies to create another aspect of the grid. It is one that I (mostly) thoroughly enjoy.


Wow!! The blue moon for sure has dislodged something.