Over the last week I have developed a deep and resonant appreciation for the emotion of Fear.
It seems that the further we move into 2013, more and more layers are revealed. As each one is exposed, I find myself admiring the incredible alchemy of each emotion that is housed within me and my energy field.
I don’t expect everyone to understand what I mean…that is okay…it is simply an observation I can make today as I contemplate what has happened during these last 7 days.
Since the kundalini activation, fear has made itself known very strongly in my world. Initially I assumed it was hubby’s stuff, but that came back to bite me on the ass, didn’t it? How can I be quite so arrogant as to believe he is separate from me and therefore whatever happens to him has nothing to do with me? It has taken me this long week to understand.
When I felt his fear at the activation and his need to protect me, it never for one moment crossed my mind that this was my own inner masculine questioning what I was doing. I didn't want to own it, so ignored it. But of course, if it wasn't mine it would never have caused a reaction within me and pestered me until I finally acknowledged it.
For most of my life I have viewed my body as weak. Mostly I think it stems from the days when I was a youngster and suffered badly with migraines, low blood pressure, was of a nervous disposition and had a weak back. My mother always protected me (not blatantly) from too much physical work. Of course as a teenager this was great.
The pattern carried on with my hubby. I had a miscarriage which escalated the back problem and I was bedridden for six weeks. It took a long six months to a year to recover, but recover I did and went on to have another child without problems and have not had any problems since.
Whenever we'd do anything physical, like hiking or climbing mountains, I would always be coddled by mother or hubby as they questioned anxiously whether I was okay. I suppose it would never have happened if both of them did not like the role and I didn’t want to buy into it. Despite the fact that I danced, played sport and horse rode, I would never allow myself to get beyond what I felt was a reasonable amount of exercise…and definitely no sweating involved...because of course my body was too weak to handle too much sweat!? I’d always associated sweat and heat with hurting myself.
It was with great surprise that I found out approximately 5 years ago, that in fact I am quite capable. I'd felt an inner urge to I enroll in a gym and loved pushing my body with exercise. Enter the yoga/pilates last year. I wanted strengthen my core. Imagine my surprise when we discovered that my core was strong - nothing wrong with it. It was my belief systems that held me in place and created the perceived 'difficulties' my body faced. Amazing isn’t it, what belief systems can make us into?
So why had this issue raised its head again? Do I still have this deep-seated belief that I am weak physically? Yep, albeit it a residue left over. I daresay there are a few more layers to be peeled back. I am wondering if the core issue has something to do with the separation when I decided to incarnate behind the veil. I came in with the understanding that in spirit I am strong but in body I am weak.
I see how this has helped me to get where I am without distraction. Because I believed I was weak, I spent most of my time either reading, attending workshops or meditating.
Thinking back…even though I believe I am quite capable…I can recall up until today how often hubby still asks me when we go for a walk, if I’m alright and would I like to turn back. I’ve never really noticed this before.
I am so grateful to him for being my mirror so I can see within myself...although it has taken me a while to recognise this particular pattern.
Hehe...today, now that I am past the clearing, I am grateful. A few days ago…not so much :-)
On another note:
During one of our intimate massage meditations on the day of the full moon, I was flung back into a past life. As I experienced it I came to understand that it was one of my aspects I was integrating. This regression helped me to understand what was going on within me as well as within hubby...and resolve it.
Whenever I massage hubby, I go into a different space. I am aware of him, but my senses seem to expand to encompass so much more of me/him than a normal meditation. This reminds me that whenever we are together we are so much more than what we are as individuals. In the same way when we work in a group, the energy is that much more powerful.
By running my hands over his body, I am working through different time lines. I’m not sure how to explain this…but I suppose I can liken it to using the physical activity of walking through different doorways or portals to meet other parts of ourself. It seems stronger and more tangible when performed with the massage, almost as though it is anchored deep within us.
This aspect’s memories become mine as I integrate her within me. She has brought with her an amazing insight into temple life – how invoking certain energies, together with body work created miracles of healing. Everything was conducted within the reverent graceful beauty that is love...and received with the same reverence.
I do believe that this meditation/massage was the turning point for me. I did not want to do it but forced myself to and I am so grateful that I did.
One thing I have learnt on my journey…whenever I am extremely reluctant to do something, it is because my body has gone into survival mode and does not want to try anything that could jeopardise the safeness of where I am. This extreme reaction says to me huge changes are ahead, if I take a step into it. Sometimes I run away but mostly I simply take a deep breath and dive in feet first. If I’d always listened to my fear, I’d never have done anything.
There is nothing quite like embracing fear…it gives us so much to work with.