At times it feels like all the 'dark nights of the Soul' I have ever had are all combined into one at the moment, creating the most disconcerting place to be.
That which we are/were comfortable with, no longer exists and as a result I feel like I am back at square one - as though just starting my journey all over again - which we are. We might have a few years under our belts, but despite this, it seems we are all in the same boat, whether awakened or not.
The playing field has levelled out. I may have a slightly better understanding of what is going on, but I am no better off in the new energy than anyone else. My emotions are all over the place. When I am irritated, I really feel it.
But the upside is that it does not last long and I find it easier to get back into balance, only to be knocked off that smug pedestal by a passing wave of something negative.
Living fully within each emotion is quite hard - I don't seem to be able to put the brakes on and take time out to recoup. My Soul is determined and the human Me just has to get on with it.
While I moan and gripe, it is what I wanted.
The joy and happiness is so far beyond what I'd ever experienced before that when I hit the lows, it seems really really low, but in reality it isn't. It's nowhere near as bad as what I have been through and the fact that I think it is all the dark nights of the Soul wrapped up in one is merely a perception.
I am being pushed far beyond what I thought I could handle and by giving me no respite, I have no time to put up barriers.
This is what I wrote to a friend this morning:
"Life seems to be giving us all a run for our money lately, as we flounder around in the strange surrounds of the new energy. I kinda of feel like a person who is drowning, knowing that I have the capacity to filter oxygen from the surrounding water, but not sure how to do so because it is so alien.
I normally have a vague idea of what I am doing with my life, whether with work or at home...but these days...nada. I, like many others, am in a suspended/twilight zone.
I have these heart's desires that are so strong and yet I am not sure how to implement them. I figure, despite my bitching and moaning, that all the things I am feeling so intensely that I want, are being lined up and when the time is right, like dominoes it will all fall into place. But the waiting patiently is horrible.
I can see quite clearly bits and pieces and yet feel so helpless because I have no idea where this 'place' is that we are meant to be or how to get there. Each time I try and go in a direction that I think is correct...it turns out not to be. Goal setting as we knew it, has changed so much, it is completely beyond my understanding.
And yet, the vision of 'it' (whatever 'it' is) grows ever stronger and at times I wake feeling like I am there already...only to crash down to the reality of where I am and my heart sinks.
I can't quite put my finger on or explain what 'it' is. I can only feel it.
The problem is, I think anyway, is that 'we' (as in humanity) are so used to DOing things rather than BEing, that I am having difficulty simply allowing everything to unfold as it should without sort of knowing what that 'unfolding' is. The world we've moved into is so vastly different, that our limitations of what we could have are not able to feature, simply because they are very restricted - and we are no longer in that restricted/limited zone. What we know is no longer.
Much easier to know this mentally but impossible to compute emotionally. Thinking outside the box has never been a problem for me, but thinking completely beyond the known norm of our 3D world is so foreign."
After writing that I realised that my issue with changing jobs actually has nothing to do with working. As we integrate all the changes of a way of life that we have no understanding of, we are remembering how to be in the flow of creative energy. I can see myself living on the land, in such perfect harmony that I have no need to 'earn money'. Everything will be there as we need it.
This is a lesson I've had to go through forever, never knowing if we will have enough. Making plans to do something and then wondering if the 'cash' will be there in time. It normally is, but being the human that I am, I still worry. If it isn't, I've always had the capacity to change my mind.
It may seem that we have everything, but we don't. How often do hubby and I hear the words, 'You're so lucky.'
This is something that really aggravates both of us. There has been no 'luck' - a kind of implication that the gods deigned to randomly pick us for the good things in life. Far from it. We have worked hard at this. The constant processing of emotions, trying to figure out what went wrong and then putting it right. Ignoring what others felt is right for us and going for what we feel is right for us. Yes, we made mistakes and still do.
Together we have created our version of happiness. It probably won't suit all and opinions will differ, but does it matter? One shoe does not fit all and so it should be. We have in our lives that which we wanted.
But it is time to move on. It is not that we are ungrateful for everything that we have, we are. It is through this gratitude that we are given the opportunity of moving into more happiness and joy...and yet we are floundering as mentioned above.
Our lovemaking is moving on too. From what I can see of the energy there are so many changes I don't understand and truthfully in the throes of it, I am not sure that I want to be in a place of analysing - it is far easier to simply enjoy the experience. The mandalas of energy created are awe inspiring and beautiful - far beyond anything I have ever seen before. It is very difficult to write it down, trying to capture the experience in words seems to diminish it, thus I don't do it anymore. In fact I am finding everything difficult to capture in words. Hopefully the energy of what we experience will make its mark on these limiting words.
After the changes we experience every time we go to France and her beautiful gentle (and lately watery) energy...I am wondering what the very fiery masculine Australian energy holds for us. The last time it was the walk-in experience...
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