The rocky road of love

Beautiful green butterfly we found on one of our walks in France

We visit France so often so we can connect with the feminine emerging like a butterfly from a cocoon, slowly recognising that this beauty resides quietly within us. These visits have never been a conscious decision - just something that sorta fell into place (according to my human self). It started off as a very delicate unnoticeable hum in the background growing stronger with each visit, thus becoming more evident within us...and we are not sure what to do with it.

This is our version of paradise. Many others might not see it this way - depends on their perception and what they feel is paradise to them.

As hubby and I peel away the layers of our being to find the authentic self, we have to flex and wiggle to fit into the expanded version of who we are individually, as well as a couple, and this is when the sticky bits can and do happen.



When I first realised that I could manage energy externally, I went at it with gusto, little understanding that it was not really an outer tool - but I suppose I had to play with it in that way first to reach a deeper understanding (isn't this always the way?). I could control pretty well in certain situations. For example if there was an argument brewing between others (or with myself), I could tone down the energy so that some form of agreement could be reached, albeit it an uneasy one.

I prefer to work in the background under the radar. There have of course been occasions when working in the background does not help and an active participation is called for.

One day I twigged that I could apply this to my personal life from within instead of thinking it outside of me. When I did the energy manipulations it felt like it was a surface tool, kinda like a magician waving his wand and it would change, whereas I had to find the magic from within at a depth I'd never before reached.

This change in perception turned my attention to my relationship with hubby. I set out, unconsciously at first, to understand myself through this very close, intimate and extremely powerful mirror.

Oh my, did I ever see things about myself that I DID NOT like at all. I'd opened a can of worms that had been wriggling and jiggling for a while. Talk about hitting rock bottom!

And yet through all the hard and very dark times, there was this little pinprick of light that I'd catch a glimpse of that helped me remain determined. Every time I fell down a long drop of pooh, I'd flounder around for a bit before my survival instinct would kick into action and I'd find a way to climb out of the cesspool, bedraggled, looking like shit, but victorious.

There would be more than one occasion when I would blame hubby, until my more calm side took over and I'd become more centred and balanced. This is when I'd be brutally honest with myself and realise it was ALL me - hubby was simply reacting to my inner energy that I was unaware of.

This helped me take my power back and gave me such a boost to know that I was in charge of myself and my world.

I shamelessly took this ability, once I cleared quite a bit of detritus and our relationship was back to being more friendly than not, and ran with it. But in order to do this I had to do it from a state of balance - of course it helped to have the Angels of Balance assisting. I was not (this was a note to myself I repeated over and over) to force him/me into something he/I was not ready for.

Repeatedly in meditation I'd visualise something tiny but positive happening between us. I had to keep at it until my emotions and thought forms got the hang of it and I could feel this new perception take root within me.

I must stress here, that I had to be careful about imposing my will upon hubby/me. I was always aware of this and still am today. Hubby might be part of my reality, but he is still an individual and I could not MAKE him do something he was not willing to do.

Through my accepting him/me wherever he/I was at any given moment in time, I freed up the energy between us, thus giving him/me the space to accept (or decline) my tiny visualisations.

Thus me loving and accepting him/me as he/I was, helped him/me to expand more fully into his/my potential and thus we became more adventurous. My acceptance of him was mirrored in his acceptance of me. I'd put myself in his shoes every step of the way.

Sometimes I'd get it wrong and have a strong reaction, but through gentle baby steps I managed to figure out how to create my reality from a centred calm space without upsetting him and therefore me. Slowly and painstakingly, I built a good relationship with myself and the world around me.

Tantra was a subject that I scrutinised and really wanted in my life. I'd visualise something and then ask the universe for an opening to broach a subject and then let it go. If no opening came, then I'd take it as a signal that I was going a bit 'too far' too quickly and had to pull back.

It is possible to visualise too much and then when it doesn't happen the way it is wanted, it was easy enough to become disappointed and lose interest. With hindsight I came to realise that I'd either overdone it or that visualisation had manifested in a different way that was more conducive and so I could not be too fixed about what I wanted.

I took the lead in this - energy-wise. No weird chanting, positions or any other 'practices' along those lines that would raise suspicions and/or cause arguments. Simply background stuff that could be done quietly and without effort. I'd hold a safe space during our lovemaking for the highest potential. During these times hubby would unconsciously clear as my deep love for him that came to the fore. If he was wary or dismissive, this was a mirror for me to work on that inner energy of wariness that was manifesting in my world. But these days I often wonder who was actually leading who and in what way?

There were times when the mundane took over and we'd let it things slide. These were the occasions when it all felt too much for both of us. Too much happiness too fast can be overwhelming and we'd freak out and revert back to what we knew, even if it was predictable and boring. Every blip, every hesitation, every argument was me talking to myself and letting me know what was going on deep within myself.

Since 2011 I've been aware that I should let this all go. It's not easy to do so when it has become a way of being so I forget and keep slipping back into it .

I now have to unlearn always 'doing'.

My inner masculine and feminine will find a way to reach harmony through the challenges of resistance, doubt and uncertainty.

And so it is with lovemaking. I cannot do both any more. We are being guided to be one or the other...and again I forget at times that hubby is more than capable of holding his own space without any assistance.

The being that he has grown into is far more assertive and knows what he wants. He is also aware when I slip back into my 'old' ways and pulls me up on it. I tend to waiver between 'I am in charge' and relaxing and letting go. For both of us, our domineering side charges to the fore to assert itself, incorrectly assuming the 3D stance of dominance/submission when confronted, rather than approaching it with the perspective of harmoniously working together. Neither of us are sure, as are many others, how or what form either will take or play out, so it is a case of going with the flow as things work themselves out.

Surrendering totally into the feminine takes a lot of courage and a great deal of coaxing for both of us.


It is finding the balance that is proving difficult - when does it ever not? We don't get it right most of the time, but just when I think we have, the goal posts move and we are in an entirely new terrain. We don't even get time to take a deep breath as we gallop along new and rocky paths.


Reversing roles also creates similar problems, this surrender requested nowadays is far more complete and deeper than we are used to.

Anyways, we have many years to figure this out.

*****

On our last night after arriving at the chambres d'hotes we decided to go out to eat, as our friends were away in Tunisia on holiday and their daughter was there merely to open up and welcome us.

It was dark, we got lost. It all looks so different at night. We must have taken a wrong turning somewhere and landed up on a road we did not recognise. There are a lot of little villages with hotels/restaurants that are open in season only, so for half an hour we drove through village after village - all quiet. Whenever we enter this kinda 'twilight zone', we know something's up.

The Satnav does not recognise some of the French towns as they have accents on some of the vowels and the alphabet we have is English. So we were stumped and the map did not help us much.

We did not want to drive to a large town as they were more than 40kms away. Finally we stumbled across a lovely place called Tournus and stopped at the first hotel we came to that was open. It was very posh inside, antiques everywhere and my initial thought was that it would cost us a pretty penny to eat here.

I pushed that to one side, going deep within myself to that place of trust and knowing that the universe/I/we would not have guided us here unless we could 'handle it'. We had an amazing meal and the bill? It was far less than expected!

A good lesson for us in trusting and again understanding what St Germain said - we are always where we need to be at any given time, although we may not always understand why.

*****

So...now that I have bamboozled you completely and at the moment you have no idea where you are - I think you might be on the same page as me. I dunno where I am. I start out with a theme in mind and land up going somewhere else.

I think my logical side has finally given up and gone to sleep when it comes to writing. The patients' notes at work are bulging with my meanderings. I get so involved in what the patient has to say and my handwriting is so large, that I could fill four pages in no time at all. The longer I write, the bigger my handwriting becomes.

I recall walking into the Tech control room one day when one of the Consultants was reporting on a sleep study. He said, looking at me, holding several pages in his hand, 'Karen, really?Four pages?' They just simply want to glance over notes and get the gist of things, but instead I give them a small novella to read!

What can I say, letting my feminine side out to play through my writing, she becomes very unruly and wild.

You'd think this would carry over into my every day and work life, but it doesn't, especially at work where I slip into being efficient, organised, explain what needs to be explained and get on with it.

But, sheesh man, when it comes to writing...in any form...I'm lost.