Backlash/change

I am not gonna lie and say I was very masterful of my energy on Thursday night...because I wasn't. I was so far off being a master that it was/is excruciating for me to admit it to myself, let alone others.

It had absolutely nothing to do with the 'newbie' that my colleague has an issue with. Nothing at all to do with her...it's all my own stuff that came up.



This new colleague was great and very supportive, but geez...could I have created a greater backlash for myself than this?!?

Saviour of the world, eh? Well, let's see...how can we show you what happens to saviours of the world? Ah yes...I know...throw everything at her that she 'thinks' she can cope with.

 And I/they did.

Several severely ill patients (which we only realised when they arrived - one with oxygen in wheelchair), a grumpy, scared elderly man with MRSA (who needed barrier nursing, so I had to suit up every time I went into see him), a sweet young girl (whose full EEG sleep study we had to change to a 'sort of' normal study because 'oh shit' we did not have the equipment despite several reminders to supplies), 3 very intense sleep studies to be diagnosed and treated the same night, a patient who arrived for the night, who was not supposed to be there that night and a frazzled 14 hour shift later...I was so stressed that when I got home I collapsed in tears...and cried all day Friday...and Friday night...in between being so exhausted I slept for almost 24 hours.

Normally I can take these kinda things in my stride and I cope very well. But Thursday, I simply couldn't...simply couldn't find the right gear to get myself into.

Karen...the dependable, capable, strong one...fell apart in the most spectacular way.

So much releasing and clearing going on that I felt like I was in the midst of the severe post-natal depression I suffered with nigh on 19 years ago and have not experienced the like again since. No energy, totally overwhelmed by simple things like making myself something to eat and tears flowing from my eyes that wouldn't stop.

Enter the realisation this morning as I was taking it, that I'd started a new homeopathic remedy called Adamas (diamond dust) on Thursday to help me make the changes I want in every aspect of my being. I'd never expected such a deep and severe reaction with so much clearing. Adamas has a strong desire for change...and I forgot that.

We are supposed to be going to a BBQ today, but I have cancelled. At the moment, I simply cannot cope. I think I am over the worst of it, but still very fragile.

Who was I kidding when I said I want to move on and start my new life? - only myself into thinking it would be a breeze.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel...although I cannot see it at the moment..so I am just gonna love myself through this with the realisation that the new energy does not support the old way of doing things. I have got to figure out how, but not at the moment. And is the backlash really backlash or the prompting to make the changes I want?

All is well.