Portal opening

Ramblings about life . . .

What I share about my life is simply to help reinforce the understanding that it is possible to live with love and laughter, in between the tough times.

Life is what we make of it, no matter how harrowing. We accept and embody this with-in ourselves, thereby allowing the energy to manifest outwardly in our reality.

It starts with each one of us as an individual to form the collective consciousness.

Be the dream.

We honour the light and the life within you.

Please be aware - I upload other bloggers' posts and then delete after a month. This is my journey and others help me understand where I am, until they become irrelevant (a few posts excepted).

Saturday, 20 May 2017

Gridlock and Responsibility

Richard's in Melbourne this weekend. Says it's a great city with a good vibe.

But...he misses Hamilton and its laid back life.

Haha...I said I'd gotten a bit freaked this last week as instead of 5 cars on the road there were 10!

We got on to discussing driving in cities, wondering if our London days of driving in heavy heavy traffic would come back to us if we needed it. We've become so used to hardly any traffic on the road that we've become as laidback and relaxed as everyone else.

I reckon that ability will still be there, as its kinda like riding a bicycle.

We both agree that the stress has been taken out of driving. Being stressed was normal. Now we notice it when it does happen.

Greg agrees. He drove a LOT - hundreds of miles every week. He drives hundreds of kilometres here in NZ and says that he no longer gets a concentration headache. In the UK there was so much going on that he was in an intense focused zone when driving.

Lol...reminds me of this ad Malibu bus advert


Funny how we never know what's in store for us.

When I first applied for my current job, I had a feeling (that I've not been able to shake) that I was going to be in charge of the unit at some stage.

I'd never wanted the responsibility when in the UK, although there were several occasions, if I'd made the effort to apply, I could have been in charge. I've been asked a few times why I'd never applied for various positions over the years. I was simply happy to be in the background doing my thing. Always have been.  No matter where I've worked, I believed that my job was to hold the space for others to use to make the necessary changes.

About three years ago this all changed and I an urge to be in charge made itself known. Where it came from I don't know. I played it down, cos really, did I want the hassle that goes with being in charge?

Greg said on several occasions before I left the UK for NZ, "You're probably going there to run the unit." It sort of resonated in my body but I never really believed it. Why would I?

Then the first day I arrived, one of the women took me for a "walk" around the hospital to show me where everything is. Said there was a specific place she wanted to show me. We sat down, me puzzled as to why this "area" was so important. She blurted out that they wanted me to be in charge.

What the hell? How? They don't know me and why would she say that?

This was long before I found out about the dysfunctionality.

One occasion, one of the physiologists contacted me to say he was going to be late. Our manager freaked out at him when he came in asking him why he'd contacted me instead of her. Did he think I was in charge. He replied "not yet".


There have been many more incidents that I won't recount.

There are quite a few people I'd have thought would apply for the team leader position, but it turns out none of them want it...except me.

You know what? If I am honest, despite my disbelief that it was possible, there has been the hidden pulse pushing itself out. I find myself acknowledging it every so often.

It seems to me that this pulsing is manoeuvering everything out of the way/into place without me making much effort.

I suppose when you look at it, I'd received the best education I could in the UK, all stepping stones to the present.

I started as a typist at the Sleep Unit before being asked if I'd take up the position of co-ordinator before moving on to train as a Sleep Technician/Physiologist. So I know the admin and clinical side really well.I've also been part of the two moves the unit made whilst working there, as well as all the brainstorming to negotiate the overwhelming influx of referrals.

On making the decision to put myself forward on Saturday, I developed a dodgy right arm/shoulder which seemed to grow worse over the next few days. Eventually I started chanting and doing EFT which managed to nip the problem in the bud and allow the energy to flow. When we decide things, whatever is in the way to stop this flow needs to surface.

Richard planted a seed in my head on Tuesday when he mentioned one night this week that he thought, despite us wanting different, one of my colleagues would get the job. He was talking about one of the physiologists who has been there a very long while. She is not really well liked, but we are not sure if it is the long exposure to the bullying that has caused her to be this way. The manager has insisted that she is next in line to take over the position.

She never talks or mixes with anyone as she is not a people person, so none of us are sure what her agenda is and whether she wants the position or not.

Watching her at the meeting I could see that she has what management are looking for - she came across well and seemed competent. She has an in depth knowledge of how the unit works from admin to clinical. If I was a person on the outside who doesn't know her, I'd vote for her.

I ccouldn't shake the doubts and so I manifested what I saw at the meeting.

There are clearly some issues that are making their way out in order for me to move forward - insecurities and doubts. And besides that, why have we forgotten that it is up to US as a unit to choose a team leader and not up to management. Funny how we fall back into an old way of being instead of allowing and embracing the new.


Wednesday night I got the feeling that the unit is going to move. I pondered it a little and allowed this feeling to grow before making a mark on the "magic" calendar.

We'd been told that the move cannot go ahead as the money, earmarked for the move, was being used to treat cancer patients.

When Richard and I met with the Consultant we asked about the move, explaining that our working space was suboptimal. He just said it wasn't happening at the moment.

Wednesday I suddenly realised that this was a stalling tactic as they did not want the move to go ahead until there was a change of leadership.

One of the last items on the agenda for Friday was - the move!

It seems that the business plan has been completed and submitted for approval.


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