There has been so much going on both within and externally, layers within layers within layers. I've been following little clues for some time along the way (not all of which I will document) which includes karezza contributing in no small way to the overall picture.
It all started when I was watching a documentary on the Tropic of Capricorn. The words the Hindu worship of the lingam literally jumped out at me.
In traditional Indian society, the lingam is rather seen as a symbol of the energy and potentiality of the God Shiva. and is often represented alongside the yoni, a symbol of the goddess Shakti, female creative energy. The union of lingam and yoni represents the "indivisible two-in-oneness of male and female, the passive space and active time from which all life originates".
Okay so I know this - it is all part of tantra but wasn't sure why it was stressed enough for me to sit up and take notice. Maybe it has something to do with the flashes of inspiration I get every so often about the situation I am currently in. I let this go knowing that something would come of it eventually.
I love reading British crime. The intricate way a story unfolds, the investigation and the foray into the minds of criminals and those who bring them to 'justice' without the need to shoot now ask later. I've always had a fascination for the human psyche. I believe we do the same thing. We are our own criminal master mind and justice league rolled into one as we follow the clues within ourselves.
Movies don't interest me much, but lately I've been watching movies on TV. A couple of 'romcoms' and one really serious one called Her Sister's Keeper. I've gone with it because I reckon there is a message that, as in the lingam thingie, would add a piece to the puzzle.
Out of the blue, I got an email notification of a blog I wrote in December in Australia last year called Dawning of Something New?!
Yesterday morning I was looking for something on the internet and came across a Madonna video - Don't Tell Me. I watched it wondering if there was something in it and that is when it struck me and the reason for my foray into karezza!
And this is now where I am at a loss for words on how to explain what I felt and still feel with the ping of knowing that switched a light on inside me and everything that I'd noticed all adds to this.
Madonna symbolises a strong and powerful in charge woman (not all may agree and may find better symbols but this is what I was given so please go with this for the time being). Her dancing is aggressive and manly. Most western women have 'ballsed up' and taken on men in a man's world with the attitude don't tell me what to do!
We wanted our pound of flesh in recompense for the atrocious manner in which we have been treated for centuries. Women acting like men. We all know this.
But...in our anger for retribution...we tipped things to the other side. It is this tipping that is being addressed but not only is the masculine energy resistant, so is the feminine. That is okay...it is all part of the learning and understanding and for many of us it could take a long while before we are able to release our anger.
I understand the anger which my mother instilled within me at full throttle. She feels powerless and in this powerlessness projects her anger onto the only thing that she can - men. Her whole world is coloured by this anger. She refuses to back down in the belief that accepting her role in all of this makes her weak and submissive.
Admittedly it crippled me for a long while too. What I needed was a strong personality in my life to help me ferret out these little gems my mother had left me - enter hubby. My hubby is an intense person and can be, to some, rather intimidating. His boss has a healthy respect for his tongue...as do I for different reasons...nudge nudge wink wink.
Does it bother me? It did initially, but once I'd gotten past my own issues about men, no it did not as I am a strong woman who can handle most things, even a strongly masculine man. It is all perfect as I don't think I could have had anything else that would appeal to or work for me. It took a while to accept, but once I did things were a lot easier. In my acceptance of him, he accepted me. Bear in mind that accepting someone does not mean rolling over and being submissive...far from it. I have teeth and claws and I use them very effectively when I need to!
And yet, beneath that manly man exterior is the most amazingly beautiful beating heart. I see ALL of him, warts and all.
I do get irked at times of course, I am only human after all. He is far more romantic than I am and it is this romanticism that he has brought to this relationship has helped me to accept the feminine side of myself. In his vulnerability he opens me up to being vulnerable too. I did resist in for a long while, but he has been patient in his coaxing. Much like the gentle taming of a wild animal.
We still have much between us that needs clearing but we can, if we choose, approach it from a place of love rather than angry fear.
Karezza helped us to calm down the competition between us - which I didn't, until today, realise. It brought about the acceptance that no one needs dominate the other. My 'not wanting' orgasms did not actually have to do with the orgasm itself, but with my perception that I was still demanding my piece of retributional flesh from hubby and he had to perform and worship my yoni to MY satisfaction.
As it (and don't ask me what IT is as I haven't figured that out yet) fulfilled its purpose and much clearing was done, the continued feeling that there was worship was leaving a sour taste in my mouth and hence the downward spiral I felt.
For three months I have felt no desire - platonic love - but no desire. This is as it should be.
This has been changing, as over the last week I get a flicker of something from the depths that I don't quite know how to put into words.
Is it loving joy? Not quite
Is it desire? Not quite
Whatever it is, has been nurtured and fed by everything that has happened over the years. It is the sum total of all that I have experienced. It feels like the sun and the moon, the wind and the stillness, the love and the fear, expansion and contraction, and so much more - all blending to work in harmony to create balance.
In my stubbornness - bringing myself to my knees, forced me to take a step back, sift through everything to uncover the beauty within the situation. The discovery of this beauty released a deeper understanding and acceptance of myself. There is always a silver lining to everything.
There is pleasurable acceptance and a far deeper appreciation of that which hubby and I each bring to the relationship.
I am very grateful for everything and everyone contributing in their own way to the changing reality that is ME.
(NB - we all carry masculine/feminine energies within us no matter what gender of body we currently inhabit - the war within us is reflected outward.)