Hubby and I have never been much on abstaining when it comes to sex. Regular sex and many orgasms were the order of the day. I could never imagine (and still don't) having sex with no orgasm.
The quest for good sex has led us from conventional sex to tantra/taosim to karezza (written about on my previous blog)...and that is where we stopped...or rather I stopped and backed away.
I love orgasms, I love having sex, the intimacy and the sensuality of it. I love the way my hubby is so completely focused and selfless about giving me the maximum amount of pleasure when we do spend intimate moments together.
I can conceive of the concept of karezza and have attempted to practice it for two/three years, but always lost the plot, my intellectual knowledge not strong enough to believe in the benefits of not having an orgasm. My heart wasn't really in it and therefore in my lack of conviction, hubby did not display much willpower on the subject either.
We'd practise karezza only to have it turn into orgasmic sex, our need too strong to overcome the drive. Thus our brains, were wired to expect orgasm with karezza no matter what. And initially I felt 'so what, it makes no difference'. I think I am stuck on the idea of tantra in which we build, slow down, then build only to slow down and keep doing so until a final almighty explosion of orgasmically 'mind-blowing' proportions. (There's that mind thing again!)
But little did I count on my Soul putting an end to it. The longer the situation perpetuated, the stronger the inner knowing that what I was doing was harming me. Those beautiful heart to heart meditations we used to have were slowly being replaced by something different and I wasn't sure I liked it. I found myself not wanting to have an orgasm which fought with my habitual need to have it. A really hard dopamine addiction to get over. It became a perpetual struggle in which I constantly disappointed myself. I became increasingly torn between the two, sinking deeper and deeper into a funk.
I could see this mirrored in my hubby, who, like me, was in denial. It was affecting him energetically, but refused to see how it was affecting me too.
So we carried on...
...until March when the scream from with-in became too loud to ignore...leading to celibacy and sovereignty while I sort out in my emotions and mind.
On closer inspection I realise this lack of trust in myself is a cover for my fear of change. No orgasms in my world means failure.
How the hell did I get to this stage?
Well, I suppose it comes down to this - I am proud to say that I have a superb lover in my life and that I am a woman who can have multiple orgasms (even in my sleep). This to me means that I am...what? I had to stop and think on that...what does it mean?
I suppose it comes down to brainwashing, media bombardment that we are, as emancipated women, supposed to have amazing sex ALL the time and that means orgasms. It is all part of the 60s sexual revolution which had a hand in making the world realise that women can also have fun and have their needs met during sex, rather than lying in the dark thinking of chocolate while a sweaty thrusting grunting man does his duty impregnating her.
So...in my mind, I am a rebellious wild-child born in the 60s and part of the breed of women who came to know and understand that orgasms for women were possible, and indeed required.
Now I am asking myself to give it up? That kinda smacks of returning to the Victorian era where even the legs of tables and chairs were covered because it might lead to lewd thoughts!
I'd always been an advocate of orgasms and how wonderful they are and yet deep down was this niggling suspicion that I was talking nonsense, which grew stronger and stronger, but me being me...I ignored it. Spread the love, I said. Spread the energy of love by having orgasms. Let it rush out into the world and touch others so that they may feel subconsciously. In the throes of orgasm, we are releasing all our energy and in the aftermath are having to rebuild what we've lost.
This is so typically 'lightworker-ish' ...give away our energy so others may benefit.
No more! I hear my Soul shout really loudly.
So now it comes down to the lack of trust in myself which I mentioned in the Dear Lover blog. I don't trust myself to follow through with my intention. This is mostly because the intellectual knowledge I have of the benefits of karezza has not quite made it into the cells of my body in that AHA! moment that allows me to make the changes that the WHOLE of me understands and will willingly follow through on.
Until then the cry from with-in to withdraw and spend time with myself and my energy, without any interference (or orgasms) holds sway. And so I have followed my instinct, but am experiencing a sense of loss and loneliness in saying goodbye to the 'old' before ushering in the 'new'. The intimate contact and cuddling fed my soul and yet the thought of having sex makes my heart drop, because of my mistrust of myself to retain the low level orgasm. It is almost as though I've created a backlash from which I need to extricate myself.
I miss the close contact, but my guilt at imposing the celibacy has me feeling that I couldn't subject hubby to the feel or sight of my naked body. It might push him over the edge in desire/need and therefore I'd be punishing him because I could not or would not control myself. He says it won't and I shouldn't worry about him, but I have my doubts, which are of course MY doubts, not his.
Hubby and I have had long discussions about how each of us feel about what is happening. He is aware that I need this time alone and so he is not pushing me. He also knows that it is a particularly sensitive time for all feminine energies and the last thing that is needed is brutalisation. When the time is right it will all come together, so in the meanwhile he doesn't whinge or whine, but waits patiently placing no expectations upon me.
Today's discussion broke my heart wide open, the joy of which made me quite tearful...where did I find such an amazing human being to be my partner this lifetime?
Yes, we do fight, but it is all part of the passion we have for each other. Underneath it all is an incredibly beautiful energy surrounding us helping us to create the path along which we travel.
I am so grateful for this big-hearted man in my life, who doesn't let anything I do sway him in his support of me. It is his vast unwavering love that has allowed me to dive deep and explore those hidden depths of myself. The gems that I return with, benefit both of us in ways neither of us could ever explain...and always has done.
This morning I came across these two articles on karezza when on impulse I was looking for answers to my questions. I have read a lot on Marnia Robinson's website Reuniting, and read Diana Richardson's books
Karezza: new trend and Real life: we practise karezza sex
The following two paragraphs really jumped out at me.
Darryl: Karezza sounds difficult because our society and our regular sexual selves have focused on achieving orgasm as a goal. Sex without orgasm is seen as a failure. By definition it must be boring. The reality of living a karezza lifestyle is as far from boring as it could possibly be. Karezza is not difficult. It is just a set of physical and emotional skills a couple can develop to help them make love in a fabulous way without tipping either party over into orgasm. It is wholly founded on trust and on your being able to travel together through the sexual experience as partners in the truest sense. Karezza needs a strong foundation of forgiveness and acceptance – if someone strays into orgasmic territory it is not a disaster, it is something for us to learn about to have a better experience in the future.
Mary: I know how powerful and alluring orgasms can be. But I also know that the few seconds of intense pleasure are just too high a price to pay for the 2-week cycle of fluctuating moods and exaggerated emotional responses that follow. I have never felt better in my life even at 53 years of age. Karezza is 100 per cent responsible for balancing me out. I steer clear of orgasms. Darryl prefers me on an even keel emotionally. I am a much better and more loving partner with no orgasms in the way.
I will get there...of that there is no doubt...
Right now, I'm going to relax with a glass of wine while hubby is off playing footie tonight and watch my all time joyful favourite...MammaMia :-)