I've been really curious, but patient waiting for the answer, as to why I've felt the need to withdraw from intimate relations.
I thought I was orgasmed out!! Which was a possibility after all the years of trying different sexualities from hot/cold tantra to taoism to karezza all of which we'd embraced with a great deal of enthusiasm, but by that stage had seemed so yesterday - faded, jaded and quite frankly boring.
So what's happened? The new energy is what's happened. It's demanding a connection on a soul level none of us have ever experienced in a human body before - unless maybe you're an ascended master. It almost feels that though we were paddling in a baby's bath and have now progressing onto a toddler's pool without our water wings.
What that entails I am not sure, but will probably find out soon enough.
The last time hubby and I made love, a thought/emotion flashed through me that I didn't trust myself when it came to sex - although what I really thought I heard at the time was that I don't trust hubby! It was rather shattering to feel that right down to the very depths of each tiny cell in my body. The shock of it had me withdrawing to investigate this emotion within myself, dazed as I wondered what was happening.
I searched for the answer high and low, within and without, each time feeling I was getting closer to the answer, but still it evaded me...until today.
I've been taking part in a ceremony over the last four days, which I have written up fully in another blog Ceremony. I knew that this was leading to a break through as it usually does.
The next hint was that our son (yes he is back in the UK to take up an apprenticeship after a 4 month sojourn in Australia). He would randomly hug me throughout the day without warning, telling me he loved me. He has done this regularly but never in such excess.
Last night was a difficult night. I couldn't sleep despite my exhaustion, gentle aches and pains throughout my body kept me awake as I couldn't quite get comfortable. It didn't feel like it was caused by solar flares, rather it felt more like an inner flare.
Whilst typing up the blog yesterday Dearest Lover about my one-sided argument, I was once again shocked to make another discovery - I did not trust myself spiritually either.
I tried to dismiss it. Who ME? The ME that has been on this voyage of discovery for the last 19 years?? Impossible. But it persisted. Both the sexuality and spirituality go hand in hand.
This morning at Yoga Nidra came the understanding, as I gazed at my reflection in the well, those beautiful lavender/silver eyes of Athena gazed back a me. With it came the most amazing influx of love for myself and everyone around me, reinforced by the sounding of the gong rippling through me three times.
Oh how I've missed her!
It was like a burst of sun energy had filled me up - I floated feather-light in the bliss of the moment. (This is when the 'nuclear' fusion of the Ceremony took place.)
Oh my word, did it all fall into place with that influx of love. In the loving of me, I am more fully able to love others and more specifically my hubby.
I've not loved myself as much as I could have. Although it has been growing over the years, I'd hit a wall recently when it was demanded by the recent energy influxes that I once more surrender to a deeper level of loving myself...but I couldn't face another part of me within the intimacy of sexual loving with my husband. My nerve was gone and so was the trust in myself, so I withdrew.
This was some really deep core stuff.
Can I fully embrace loving and trusting the next layer of ME that puts me far closer to the Authentic Me?
Those wonderful colourful elemental rods did their job, helping to shatter the illusion held within my cells.
I'm now reforming once again into a new me - a smile on my face revelling in the love in my heart, before I ask the question -
Is it time to get back into the saddle?
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