I know it has nothing to do with externally wanting to have love - I am surrounded by love and loved ones. This is to do with my inner planes. I want to feel the love with-in myself for myself.
Not that I don't love myself...I do...a little bit. I think what it is pointing out is that I am NOT completely convinced I am lovable to me...or that I believe I am worth much.
Something has been slowly building for a while now, but I'd not noticed it...or rather I had, but didn't put much stock in it.
I mentioned in a previous blog how I was suffering with menopausal symptoms this year and wasn't quite sure why. Something to do with the changes in consciousness and my need to change with it.
I've always been pretty confident in my understanding of consciousness but since 2012, the changes have been so incredibly radical that I found myself floundering in every way. It has been slowly but surely appearing in my body. I've kinda felt like all the flowing juices of love and excitement have been sucked out of me.
Why? I have so much to be grateful for.
This week I have realised that I have been quite lazy. I thought I had this whole consciousness and changing reality thing under my belt. I have created a wonderful life for myself - so what more do I need to do? I can continue as I have always done.
But clearly, I can't, can I? It ain't working, what can I say - I am stubbornly tenacious.
If the energies are a-changing, I need to change with it. I've been refusing to do so. In my stubbornness, I am confusing myself completely instead of opening up and allowing the change. I'm digging my heels in and doing it the way I know because I am comfortable with it.
I want it all (including the change) without having to make the effort. I want my reward for all the years of hard slog.
The visit from my mother simply catapulted me into confronting aspects of myself I didn't want to take a look at.
I've become bored with the whole alternative scene. I start reading things and find myself dismissing it because it seems so old and outdated. And yet, here I am doing exactly the same as the 'old outdated' stuff I persist in reading.
I came across Jim Self's December planetary update today, decided to watch it and found it resonated deep with-in me.
Our journey to make our way over to Australia to live has been like a maze for me. When we emigrated to the UK we were very lucky in that friends were on the same path slightly ahead and pointed us in the right direction so even though we (or rather I should say, Greg) had to wade through all the paperwork, he knew what to do.
At the beginning of the year when I first actually made an effort to look into emigrating, I came up against so many obstacles I went into a deep funk because I thought it wouldn't be possible. That instantly sucked the joie de vivre out of me.
This time there is no set path before us, simply because of our age (you need to be under 50) and because I am in a job that despite there being a shortage worldwide is so relatively new it is almost as though it doesn't exist. I approached a visa expert and he also couldn't give me any information other than what I'd found out myself, although he did say that he thought the qualifications I had were enough. But I didn't believe him. I mistakenly had this idea that I needed to study further to get what the Australian government wanted. I put myself under pressure to achieve this, and despite it being a very dry and uninspiring thing to do, I started studying to get what I thought I needed.
Everyone on that side of the world is counting on Greg and I getting ourselves over there and yet here I was failing and failing spectacularly, although underneath it all was this belief that we could. But despite this belief, I was unable to find the pathway to do so.
Every which way I turned, it seemed like the door had shut with a loud resounding bang.
I half-heartedly did some more investigation but as my heart wasn't in it, I simply went through the motions mechanically.
Just before my mother arrived, we sold our holiday chalet in France. We placed it on the market in March after much soul searching by both of us as this had been our retirement plan. Each time someone had shown an interest in buying it, I felt myself object - it's mine you cannot have it. I knew I had to do something otherwise it would never sell.
So, finally I sorted myself out and it sold in time for my mother's visit. She had also spent many happy times there, so it seemed appropriate that it happened at a time when she would be here so we could say farewell to the chalet together.
It was a few weeks after my mother left to go back to South Africa (end of October), that I realised how much emotional baggage and beliefs I'd cleared.
I decided to take another look at emigrating. Something made me look at the New Zealand website and lo and behold there it was - my job on the skills needed list! I checked the Australian website and saw the same thing!
Wow...the door had partially opened.
So I then checked to see what qualifications I needed and again was astounded to see that what I have is sufficient.
I then decided after much contemplation to have a pre-assessment done of my skills because I still didn't believe it was possible.
It was supposed to take 20 days or so, but I received a yes back in 7 days - on Monday 1st December.
Well now...have I been creating a pathway of consciousness in a way I would never have expected?
This once again shows me that anything is possible, if we get out of our own way. I often wonder if it was there all the time - I'd just not been in the space to see it or had the change come about for some other reason. I don't know and don't really care. This shows me how much the me with-in loves me so much it is helping me accomplish my cherished dreams.
This kind of obstacle has happened a few times in my life. I know now (with hindsight) that this is one of those times. I find opposition from myself simply because I was comfortable with the status quo and moving into something completely different was too scary to face.
The fog of confusion I created has lifted and I am being shown the hidden miracle. I understand too, that the support and cheering on that we receive from those enthusiastically awaiting our arrival, has also helped me to find my way, although at times it felt like a pressure I didn't need.
Lol...despite this I am very cautiously optimistic.
May we all be blessed with amazing miracles as we head into 2015.
P.S. I'd consciously set an intention that today, our documents being notarised by solicitors for emigration, will be ready for collection - lol - I've just received an email from them saying they are ready. The solicitor had said she didn't think it would be done before Friday. How cool is that?