What a strange time we are going through. I'm not sure it is a happy time, but it is certainly an adventure.
I feel like I am morphing into something far beyond my ken. I have no signs or landmarks along the way that I can judge or understand what is going on. No matter how much searching I do on the internet, I can find no answers besides that which is 'normal' and everyone's 'old' ideas.
Hubby asked me this morning if this was a mid-life crisis. Not sure. Maybe. But what constitutes a mid-life crisis? According to those in the know, it is when we feel the need to lose weight, worry about health, have need to buy a new car, dress or get a young lover. I don't feel any of those...
It seems more like a change of perception, a time of inner reflection and with it comes a change of energy both inside and out. Therefore my world is in flux, completely chaotic and at times feels flat. That which used to bring me happiness no longer does. There is a deep need to withdraw and be at one with myself, completely sovereign, without interference from any kind of relationship and yet, I have a hankering to spend a lot of time in the company of women.
Maybe I am re-affirming with the goddess within? I dunno, but it is interesting nevertheless, although a little disconcerting...and it kind of leaves my hubby out in the cold, as confused as I am, thus being my mirror. He too, is going through deep seated and confusing changes. He keeps affirming that we have been through this several times before and have come out the other end stronger and more complete and will do so this time too.
It takes strength, courage and a great deal of faith in ourself to deal with these twists and turns.
Intimate love relationships are morphing beyond the relationships we know and maybe this is what we are experiencing. Getting to know and understand the difference between third and fifth dimensional love and how it works, thus making us shed all we knew before and starting from the beginning again. Ugh, exciting...and yet not.
So this new world leaves me rather stumped and uncertain. There is a definite need to do what I want, be generally in charge of my life, independent and trust myself to do what is right for me.
I have a fabulous life - a very loving husband, two wonderful children, parents and in-laws who think the world of me, incredible friends, a lovely home, an amazing job and great work colleagues - and yet there is something in all of this that smacks of being where I am because it is socially acceptable to be there and none of it is of my choosing...haha...although it is! I reckon I want to choose differently but I don't know what and therein lies the crunch.
Is this a match for the new energy or am I still thinking and feeling in the old? Am I doing it because I have to? Am I living where I am because I have to.
I am who I am at the moment through my own creative process.
There is a path we all have to walk to reach a certain place...and yet am I treading this path because it is the only way I know? It is all part of me understanding me.
On one hand I have nothing to moan about, but on the other I want freedom. And yet I don't know what freedom is. Do any of us know?
I know that like water finding a way no matter what the obstacle, my Being will find a way to express who it truly is. Or am I being like the fish, believing that this is the only way forward as I cannot climb the tree and therefore I need to go through difficulties of a path filled with obstacles because it is the only way I know.
What is familiar, is that I have been in this place several times before. It is not pretty - change never is. Each time I've had to shed my old skin and way of being to find the layer beneath that is closer to my authentic self. The amazing packages presented after these hard times makes it well worth it, doesn't it, hubby?!
Oh my! I just had an epiphany whilst holding a tablet container. I've been taking Lachesis Mutus - homeopathic remedy made from snake venom. I hadn't twigged this until now - shedding my old skin like a snake! Whatever I go through, my darling hubby goes through too...apologies, sweetie, for not understanding sooner!
Hehe...seems I felt the need to write about this on April Fool's Day!! You reckon there is a message? Nothing like a silly fool, eh?
P.S. I finally had my first belly dancing class, after vowing to do it for a month of Sundays.
Oh, wow, just what I needed to put me in touch with my inner femininity and goodness me...the dressing up! Love it. It's put me on a buzz today. Amazing how things are there when you really need 'em!
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