Time to Leave

I created this draft in April. Kept coming back to it on a few occasions, but had no ideas, lacked the energy, felt no urge to put pen to paper and yet there was something pulling me back to this draft again and again.

I was going through a process so profound I was unable to organise my thoughts. And so I just let it be, experienced it, learned the new me, railed against the injustices, hit the doldrums, bounced up again briefly, only to shut down once more.

Leadership has taught me so much about myself. I've gone through a huge growth similar to that which I experienced being a young mum.

A few months ago I came to the understanding that this was my 40 days in the desert. Similar to a dark night of the soul. 

Running alongside exploring my leadership qualities, I've surrendered to those aspects of myself both not so pleasant and truly amazing. 

I've loved being a leader but I'm ready to let go. 

I attempted to step down in April but the timing was not right. I had a little more to go through - we both did - before we came to the realisation that it is time to leave New Zealand and return to the UK. 

Many factors have come into play to create this, but what keeps coming back to me is that I knew it would be a brief visit to NZ, completing the cycles of many lifetimes. I was in denial for years. 

We both went through the emotions that come with a relationship break up (with NZ) until finally in August, I was able to discuss it with the amazing family that are my work colleagues. They nodded in understanding but I could see the shock which really broke my heart - I was dreading this. I get asked if I'll change my mind. One colleague often says a she passes me in the corridor or when I walk into her office "KC please don't go". Even the doctors express their regret. 

Just writing this makes me tearful.

I gave the hospital management my notice of 6 months. I will be leaving in March 2022. 

They asked me to decide on my replacement by shortlisting and interviewing the candidates who applied. Last week we interviewed both local and international candidates.

I'm not sure that we've found anyone suitable, but that may just be me not wanting to hand my baby over to someone else to look after. 

It has been an eventful journey. One neither of us regret. 

NZ has been the safe haven for us to explore in isolation those aspects of ourselves that were hidden, both the dark and the light.