Paradise of my own creation

In this last month leading up to my exam, I find that I am comfortable in myself and ready to write.

Prior to this my overwhelming dread was that I'd never be able to do it. There is so much to learn and understand about Sleep Medicine.

Variations of fear keep us trapped, as our mind rabbits on about the what ifs creating huge insurmountable mountains.



Really...what is the worst that can happen? I have to re-sit the exam. Not a matter of life and death is it?

We are settled in the flow of change.

New contract signed last week Friday, new rota discussed last night at a meeting. My new car is ready for collection on Saturday, our new fridge arrives today.

All of this accomplished without much effort and stress.

Past changes have been uncomfortable, but not this time.

I understand why.

When we arrived in the UK some 18 years ago, we did not believe we'd remain here. It was a stopgap and despite seemingly settled, this lurking blockage was in the back of our minds without us perceiving it or its influence.

Our decision to move to Australia was thwarted on every occasion. Deep down I knew we didn't want to do the move. I could never understand why - this is the UK - who wants to settle for lousy weather? And besides, Australia has much to offer.

But this past year has shown us, sometimes through the eyes of visitors, that in actual fact, we have a really good life. We have nothing to worry about except where next to go on holiday. I knew this intellectually but never actually felt it deep within my body - it was merely a concept.

My mother spent some time with us last year in September/October. She loved the fact that she could step outside our door and wander around the British countryside without fearing for her life. She also loved the beautiful gentle countryside. I started to see things through her eyes and wonder of wonders I got to see the place in a different light.

Our daughter came out for March and again I as we travelled around, she reinforced what my mother had started.

Who knew?

This last year has been full of turmoil and incredibly uncomfortable. All those hidden negativities surfacing and demanding attention, each one playing out in my reality until I thought I was going mad.

We have finally given ourselves permission to love living here. It was like opening a door, the chaos recedes and what I want slowly falls into place. The stresses disappear.

I am currently reading a book called The Year of Living Danishly - it is about a British woman and her husband moving for a year to live in the happiest country in the world. She investigates what it is that makes them happy, despite living in darkness for much of the year.

As she lists all the things that make them happy, I slowly came to the realisation that much of what she touts as happiness measures, I have living in the UK. I come from an African country where you get nothing for your taxes, whereas here, despite the system seemingly out of kilter, it works - for me.

And, dare I say it? I am happy. It has been a long journey to register that I am living in a paradise of my own creation. It is not perfect, but damn near close.