The deeper I delve into this "move" to the other side of the world, the greater the insights I have into the beliefs and emotions that lurk with-in. Things I thought I'd knocked on the head, that very obviously are still alive and doing extremely well.
Every second we are faced with decisions and each little decision very subtly changes how we go forward in life.
I still hold some misgivings about the move. Will I find what I really want in New Zealand? Will the job be everything I expect? Isn't it better to carry on where I am even though I feel I am stagnating? Maybe this is a "grass is always greener"? I do get very tempted by my comfortable life.
All of these pop up in some shape or form to confront me head on. These days it is difficult to bury my head in the sand and hope "it" will go away - the difference these days is that "it" is so prominently in-your-face, I cannot ignore it. Demand is being made of me to take note of and be responsible for everything in my life...and I must say, it is rather hard to do.
The logical part of me (which is the part of me that is the me that I know very well) sagely advises that I can change my mind at any stage. But I will not know unless I try - no harm can come from trying.
All well and good, but lately there is another side of me that freaks out easily and moves from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. This is a part of me I never knew existed. Or maybe I did, but didn't acknowledge. No more hiding.
All seems to go smoothly and then I hit glitch. They are not insurmountable, just a blimming irritant, like having sand in your eye, such as someone takes ages to send back a reference, or the blood tests aren't comprehensive enough or I can't get a medical health check sooner. Just irritants that make me want to scream with frustration. This is when I've noticed how much resentment can bubble up in an instant. Who are these people to put obstacles in the smooth flow of my life, or (even worse) tell me what to do? I've had more meltdowns in this last month than I've had in years. I seem to forget in a split second, that it is up to me to negotiate these obstacles with ease and grace. Instead, my aversion to authority has me stomping all over them like a two-year-old having a tantrum wearing hobnail boots.
Me, who is normally the balanced and centred person in our marriage is suddenly the volatilely up and down like a yo-yo. But in reality, why the rush? I only plan to be there in January, so does it matter that there is a delay here and there?
But, despite all of this, there is something that keeps me on track. Simultaneously with the irritant, a confirmation of why I am doing this also pops up.
I've had a few sad moments too. The team that I work within are such a great bunch of people, many of whom I've known for 10 years plus. We often socialise. Friday night we went to Brighton for dinner and sitting at the table in a quiet moment with myself, I watched the interaction as everyone laughed and chatted. I am so going to miss that. It made me feel very sad about how much I am leaving behind.
I sincerely hope that the team at my new job is just as great. It's up to me to make sure it is so.
Every second we are faced with decisions and each little decision very subtly changes how we go forward in life.
I still hold some misgivings about the move. Will I find what I really want in New Zealand? Will the job be everything I expect? Isn't it better to carry on where I am even though I feel I am stagnating? Maybe this is a "grass is always greener"? I do get very tempted by my comfortable life.
All of these pop up in some shape or form to confront me head on. These days it is difficult to bury my head in the sand and hope "it" will go away - the difference these days is that "it" is so prominently in-your-face, I cannot ignore it. Demand is being made of me to take note of and be responsible for everything in my life...and I must say, it is rather hard to do.
The logical part of me (which is the part of me that is the me that I know very well) sagely advises that I can change my mind at any stage. But I will not know unless I try - no harm can come from trying.
All well and good, but lately there is another side of me that freaks out easily and moves from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. This is a part of me I never knew existed. Or maybe I did, but didn't acknowledge. No more hiding.
All seems to go smoothly and then I hit glitch. They are not insurmountable, just a blimming irritant, like having sand in your eye, such as someone takes ages to send back a reference, or the blood tests aren't comprehensive enough or I can't get a medical health check sooner. Just irritants that make me want to scream with frustration. This is when I've noticed how much resentment can bubble up in an instant. Who are these people to put obstacles in the smooth flow of my life, or (even worse) tell me what to do? I've had more meltdowns in this last month than I've had in years. I seem to forget in a split second, that it is up to me to negotiate these obstacles with ease and grace. Instead, my aversion to authority has me stomping all over them like a two-year-old having a tantrum wearing hobnail boots.
Me, who is normally the balanced and centred person in our marriage is suddenly the volatilely up and down like a yo-yo. But in reality, why the rush? I only plan to be there in January, so does it matter that there is a delay here and there?
But, despite all of this, there is something that keeps me on track. Simultaneously with the irritant, a confirmation of why I am doing this also pops up.
I've had a few sad moments too. The team that I work within are such a great bunch of people, many of whom I've known for 10 years plus. We often socialise. Friday night we went to Brighton for dinner and sitting at the table in a quiet moment with myself, I watched the interaction as everyone laughed and chatted. I am so going to miss that. It made me feel very sad about how much I am leaving behind.
I sincerely hope that the team at my new job is just as great. It's up to me to make sure it is so.
