It seems that my body is going through major changes, both within and without, in much the same way that the world is in chaos as we move up in frequency.
It never ceases to amaze me how everything is where it needs to be even though at the time it may seem at the time that it ISN'T - which of course is easy enough to see with hindsight. Marvelous thing hindsight, eh?
I wrote a blog in June on my other site called Karezza: To do or not to do - here it is -
"Hubby and I have never been much on abstaining when it comes to sex. Regular sex and many orgasms were the order of the day. I could never imagine (and still don't) having sex with no orgasm.
The quest for good sex has led us from conventional sex to tantra/taosim to karezza (written about on my previous blog)...and that is where we stopped...or rather I stopped and backed away.
I love orgasms, I love having sex, the intimacy and the sensuality of it. I love the way my hubby is so completely focused and selfless about giving me the maximum amount of pleasure when we do spend intimate moments together.
I can conceive of the concept of karezza and have attempted to practice it for two/three years, but always lost the plot, my intellectual knowledge not strong enough to believe in the benefits of not having an orgasm. My heart wasn't really in it and therefore in my lack of conviction, hubby did not display much willpower on the subject either.
We'd practise karezza only to have it turn into orgasmic sex, our need too strong to overcome the drive. Thus our brains, were wired to expect orgasm with karezza no matter what. And initially I felt 'so what, it makes no difference'. I think I am stuck on the idea of tantra in which we build, slow down, then build only to slow down and keep doing so until a final almighty explosion of orgasmically 'mind-blowing' proportions. (There's that mind thing again!).
But little did I count on my Soul putting an end to it. The longer the situation perpetuated, the stronger the inner knowing that what I was doing was harming me. Those beautiful heart to heart meditations we used to have were slowly being replaced by something different and I wasn't sure I liked it. I found myself not wanting to have an orgasm which fought with my habitual need to have it. A really hard dopamine addiction to get over. It became a perpetual struggle in which I constantly disappointed myself. I became increasingly torn between the two, sinking deeper and deeper into a funk.
I could see this mirrored in my hubby, who, like me, was in denial. It was affecting him energetically, but refused to see how it was affecting me too.
So we carried on...
...until March when the scream from with-in became too loud to ignore...leading to celibacy and sovereignty while I sort out in my emotions and mind.
On closer inspection I realise this lack of trust in myself is a cover for my fear of change. No orgasms in my world means failure.
How the hell did I get to this stage?
Well, I suppose it comes down to this - I am proud to say that I have a superb lover in my life and that I am a woman who can have multiple orgasms (even in my sleep). This to me means that I am...what? I had to stop and think on that...what does it mean?
I suppose it comes down to brainwashing, media bombardment that we are, as emancipated women, supposed to have amazing sex ALL the time and that means orgasms. It is all part of the 60s sexual revolution which had a hand in making the world realise that women can also have fun and have their needs met during sex, rather than lying in the dark thinking of chocolate while a sweaty thrusting grunting man does his duty impregnating her.
So...in my mind, I am a rebellious wild-child born in the 60s and part of the breed of women who came to know and understand that orgasms for women were possible, and indeed required.
Now I am asking myself to give it up? That kinda smacks of returning to the Victorian era where even the legs of tables and chairs were covered because it might lead to lewd thoughts!
I'd always been an advocate of orgasms and how wonderful they are and yet deep down was this niggling suspicion that I was talking nonsense, which grew stronger and stronger, but me being me...I ignored it. Spread the love, I said. Spread the energy of love by having orgasms. Let it rush out into the world and touch others so that they may feel subconsciously. In the throes of orgasm, we are releasing all our energy and in the aftermath are having to rebuild what we've lost.
This is so typically 'lightworker-ish' ...give away our energy so others may benefit.
No more! I hear my Soul shout really loudly.
So now it comes down to the lack of trust in myself which I mentioned in the Dear Lover blog. I don't trust myself to follow through with my intention. This is mostly because the intellectual knowledge I have of the benefits of karezza has not quite made it into the cells of my body in that AHA! moment that allows me to make the changes that the WHOLE of me understands and will willingly follow through on.
Until then the cry from with-in to withdraw and spend time with myself and my energy, without any interference (or orgasms) holds sway. And so I have followed my instinct, but am experiencing a sense of loss and loneliness in saying goodbye to the 'old' before ushering in the 'new'. The intimate contact and cuddling fed my soul and yet the thought of having sex makes my heart drop, because of my mistrust of myself to retain the low level orgasm. It is almost as though I've created a backlash from which I need to extricate myself.
I miss the close contact, but my guilt at imposing the celibacy has me feeling that I couldn't subject hubby to the feel or sight of my naked body. It might push him over the edge in desire/need and therefore I'd be punishing him because I could not or would not control myself. He says it won't and I shouldn't worry about him, but I have my doubts, which are of course MY doubts, not his.
Hubby and I have had long discussions about how each of us feel about what is happening. He is aware that I need this time alone and so he is not pushing me. He also knows that it is a particularly sensitive time for all feminine energies and the last thing that is needed is brutalisation. When the time is right it will all come together, so in the meanwhile he doesn't whinge or whine, but waits patiently placing no expectations upon me.
Today's discussion broke my heart wide open, the joy of which made me quite tearful...where did I find such an amazing human being to be my partner this lifetime?
Yes, we do fight, but it is all part of the passion we have for each other. Underneath it all is an incredibly beautiful energy surrounding us helping us to create the path along which we travel.
I am so grateful for this big-hearted, man in my life, who doesn't let anything I do sway him in his support of me. It is his vast unwavering love that has allowed me to dive deep and explore those hidden depths of myself. The gems that I return with, benefit both of us in ways neither of us could ever explain...and always has done."
Months later I understand what has been happening. It has taken much soul searching and a great deal of angst and stress, but even so I don't have the full picture, but certainly enough to put my mind at ease. Despite all of this, our relationship grows stronger and stronger. I often wonder how and why.
Prior to 2012, I was able to work through emotions and beliefs even whilst in the midst of intimate relations. Whatever I did had an impact upon Greg and vice versa.
It still does, but in such a very different way, that we have had to adapt in a far more major way than ever before.
I went into menopause about 6 years ago. Everything seemed fine until this year when my body started to go haywire.
I've never had any problems during my reproductive years. I was as regular as clockwork with very little pain. This I can only put down to the fact that I diligently worked on my emotions and beliefs.
So...it sort of surprised me that I'd start having menopause symptoms. Why? I'd sailed through the other years without a problem...so why now?
At the beginning of the year I had a urinary tract infection twice. Another thing I'd never had a problem with.
Together with the need for abstinence, I was suddenly in a space I'd never inhabited before.
This made me wonder if there was something going on deep within me that I needed to ferret out. I asked and received incomprehensible puzzle pieces until my mother arrived in September when it all came to a head.
Age?!
Firstly, in our quest to move to Australia - the question of age came up.
Secondly, my menopause symptoms stopped me having good sex when these are the years we should be having fun without the worries of falling pregnant or being interrupted by children.
Thirdly, being incredibly shocked by how frail and aged my mother was after being such a strong powerful woman for many years.
So many more beliefs to mention here that all of us whether male or female have had indoctrinated within us without realising they are there.
Over these last 9 months my internal structure has changed, resulting in my vaginal canal being shorter. Greg's access to my internal G-spot is far easier than before, which is an amazing discovery I made recently. It points to me being far more open. And to top it all, he only has to lovingly run his hands over my body and I am tingling and ready.
If I thought I'd experienced all there was when it comes to sex, I ain't seen nothing yet! The incredible orgasms that occur now I have no words to explain. The orgasm seems to simply undulate in a field of loving harmony rather than explode. I am the orgasm and I am everything in my life.
The depth of our love is finding new ways of expressing itself in a goalless and timeless manner I knew was possible but had never really experienced fully.
Admittedly my journey is nowhere near complete - I am a work in progress.
I have glimpsed the end result and all I can say is "Phwoar! this is when the major loving starts".
I'm up for it...
My baby just cares for me
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